:: Chilling Portraits Of The Life ::

I used to be a diffident person. Sometimes i seem baffled at my own decision, thought and could be anything that comes along my way. I don't have that audacity to share my perspectives with others, I would rather to keep it safely inside than throw it out. Well, this is not i am gonna talk long about because i have changed now! Big changed! ;)

Today l learned spanish language through online. It was so fun. Last month i was crazy over korean language until i can speak a little in korean. Mianhanda, Saranghanda... don't you think it is cute? (the only words that really easy to remember hehehehe) I love to learn foreign language but it is not serious. Muazzam encourages me to learn arabic and i almost taking the course in Islamic International University back then. But it was only a dream...and i have big dream that comes true in my life after that >> Zafran and Lydia, i love you both. And momma would like to reiterate, I love you, I love you, I love youuu muahhhhhh!!

As 2010 comes close to the end, there is a huge question mark on my head - What have i done good for the past 365 days? Half of myself feels the best way not think on this, because the more i think of it, the more i couldn't find one hahahahaha! Come on.... it couldn't be it. I am not an evil person thou....lol!

I had a good year of myself. Being a stay home mom, with two little cuties, am busy with them 24/7, every beat of my heart is praying for them...what else? I am not gonna alphabetize it, but when all four lines up here rolled into one, enough said that my past 365 days were very meaningful and indeed indescribable by feeling or word.. Alhamdulillah, thank you ALLAH.

2010 - four numbers in one line that full of beautiful anecdotes/tests for some people. I have accepted those with open heart and mind thinking that HE loves me more by giving such another great year. 2010 witnessed how a woman's heart cumbled and crumpled because of something unpredictable. 2010 seen how a friendship stayed strong despite the 'juicy gossips'. 2010 it was like a juice mixer for me. Nice juice it depends on how you mix it. If you mix apple with carrot, and definitely the taste is slightly different already. With the different taste, could be you like it or not, you have to take it if you have no choice. If you do have choice, it is so simple - you throw the not so nice one and do another one. Life is more juicier, if you know how to make a nice juice with an effervescent of happiness. Try to mix apple with strawberry.... the taste will be wowww......and when you drink it, it seeps down your throat and soul (O-o..i think i started to ramble here).

Since i started with some rambles, let me end something also with some rambles. When your life is full of chilling portraits, you are definitely feel chillax and love your life up to the max. You don't have to have talent or special skill to churn out chilling portraits of your life. The most important thing is believing in yourself, confident and try harder to make your life beautiful and seeing it with your two eyes, by your own perspective without comparing with others.

Ok chow...

:: The Day I Lost You ::

The day I lost you, it was tormented moment

The day I lost you, it was suffered

The day I lost you, it was full of sadness

The day I lost you, it was full of darkness



The day I lost you, i felt pain

The day I lost you, i felt lonely

The day I lost you, i felt the life seemed liveliness


and the day I lost you, i felt lost...

Losing someone you love is never easy thing to handle. I used to have suffered inside. Outside, i can be the most happiest person and no one even noticed it. That day, life was like totally consumed by sorrow., lost of words suddenly. What was going on inside...., no one can feel what you feel until they face the same thing, then they know how it feels.

The day i lost my parents, i feel like myself had plummeted on the ground, like never seemed to get up. The first morning i wake up, knowing that i have lost them, i feel the true emptiness and loneliness. Then i know what is actually emptiness, loneliness means to me. I used to read and hear about people being lonely when they lost their loved ones and i just feel sorry. I just didn't know how exactly they feel that time until one day.. it was my turn to feel it, i was the chosen one to face the test. And then you know suddenly the world sleeps... and never seems to wake up.

Have you ever been in the situation where you feel like you were torn between feeling lonely and feeling empty? As the word 'torn'... it hurts, you feel lost and abandoned. The situation that time, was really pulling me down and i stayed in the room with my tears just like torrential rain that never seemed to stop. And.....

I thank you ALLAH for giving strength and making me this strong till now.

:: A Noble Transformation ::

Someone that i know, very close to mine is in the process to find herself. Every second in our life, we will see or at least hear about there is someone you know is about to do some transformation for their life. Well, i guess, if we are talking about good changes, clearly.. we have nothing to lose by doing it. Some more, if we do it because of HIM... lagi la besar pahalanya. I said to her, you are not being skipped for the test on your way to do some noble transformation, so patience is an essential tool to face it. Fear no more to failure, because it is a cornerstone for you to keep working at success. InsyALLAH, everything will be fine with you if you do it because of HIM. I pray for you dear.

This morning i saw Zafran sprawled on the floor, and it was so sweet of Lydia, she tried to help him get up. Zafran.. Zafran... with that bedraggled hair, he still looked gorgeous. I want to comb his hair but he ran here and there. He is a big tough boy now! Lydia she just gave me a genuine smile, with her ponytail plus straight black tendrils, goshh she looked cute with that way. Thank you ALLAH.

Muazzam asked me "what are you typing? you look busier than people in the office!". I don't know, i just love doing this. It keeps my adrenaline running. At least i have something to do, something that i loveeeeee to do and at least gimme accolades for being the hidden writer cum unpaid work i have here, hellooo! hahahahahaa

Speaking of which, i was thinking to do some changes on myself too. Someone said to me "we should learn to forgive people, it is a noble demeanour... what say you?". Knowing he meant, "It's true" i said with self-deprecating smile.

It was a true statement, indeed. And i was just deviated from my normal behaviour for a year. Deep down my heart, i did forgive them. Would that be a pure forgiveness?? But i couldn't forget certain things. That's the problem. O ALLAH, please forgive me for being so stubborn. O ALLAH, please help me to forget everything about the painful, embarrassing experiences that i had through last time... O ALLAH...please.. please..

Maybe one day i could piecing together what had been separated. When? I don't know. I don't have the answer yet. Only HE knows when it is. In between, i just wait for the real flashlight of forgiveness to come down my way. What i feel now, a test for me.. sort of. As day turned into month, month into year, I still keep it. Stupid huh?! Or can i say this "It is ok for being stupid as long as i satisfied for what i am doing". That's bad huh?! Some people may think it is ok if we are running toward a lengthy revenge, then we get tired of running, then we still wanna run until we get sprawled on the floor, then we get up, then we keep on running again... until we reach the sky of satisfaction. Do you think it is ok to stick to this principle? (i ask myself thou...)

Fuhhh... mountains of test coming your way in pursuing kindness. When we start to forgive someone after a long silent mode, then we get flooded by the questions "Why?" why you want to forgive someone like that, he /she had caused biggest humiliation in your life? Why you want to give in for someone like that? Why you want to sacrifice your principle? Why? Why? Why?

Itu semua syaitan yang berbisik sebenarnya!

:: Oh! Ramadhan... ::

Oh! Ramadhan.., how i wish you could stay longer, but i know when the time comes, you have to go.. no matter what.

Commercial break : I have been so occupied lately with Zafran and Lydia of course. Lydia she seemed to get fascinated by the 'unfamiliar' world that Zafran is teaching her. Zafran had brought her into the reallllll world! Yeehaaaaa! Thank you boy.. They are busier than me actually.

I feel something.. i do feel something in Ramadhan.....it turns out, 3rd Ramadhan without abah and mak. Abah, mak i really miss you so much. I feel really connected with you especially in Ramadhan. Used to be a lot of things we did last time in Ramadhan. I love Ramadhan so much because it reminds me of you both each second of my day, it also palliate my sadness, loneliness because of you both. Abah, mak.. i never stop thinking of you, missing you... only HE knows how i feel.

Sad... in this Ramadhan, i lost my beloved grandfather on August 24. Al Fatihah untuk arwah nenek, semoga ALLAH mencucuri rahmat rohmu dan ditempatkan di kalangan para solehin, Amin.

There are also many good things occured in Ramadhan, alhamdulillah. To name one - tumultuous emotion that i had before is solved and of course with the help of ALLAH, thank you ALLAH. Alhamdulillah i passed the test with quick awareness. The wall begin to crack under the strain and cementing thing must be done immediately before it gets worse. Some say, it was only a false alarm. But what if it turns out to be true? No one can predict the unpredictable accurately, because we are not an accurate clairvoyant. It is all secrets that belongs to HIM. And some people make promises and say they won't break the promise. Actually they slip out their mind... only ALLAH's promises are true and will never be broken.

Oh! Ramadhan... insyaALLAH, we will meet again next year. Farewell my love..

:: Please Stay With Me, Mr Happiness ::

~Please stay with me Mr Happiness... and don't go!~

When you see something that breaks your heart, what would you do?

When something snatches your happiness, what would you do?

Are you gonna weep on it for years or you gonna find a way to get back the happiness?

CERTAIN THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I know it... and it is true right until something unpredictable happened in your life, you are speechless. And all the things you have said before, now you find it so hard to do. The truth is we don't know how terrible the thing is, until it snaps on your face. Ouchh.. it is hurt!

"I'll never break your heart, I'll never make you cry"

If only the words could guarantee all the promises made... I am sure there would be no unhappy chapter in someone's life at all. But like rules are meant to be broken, same goes to promises. Well, sometimes all the promises are not meant to be exactly like what it was nailed in agreement. It's all made by human, which by nature they are wrongdoer, imperfect. Me included.

How many times you see something that bouncing in front of your eyes and one day it bounces back to you? I am referring to the problems. Problems that are echoing in someone's funnel of life and one day the same thing happened to you. Apsal aku sendiri yang susah nak jawab soalan ni? It did bounced to me back, i can't bluff on this. We live in real life, come onnnnn....

I have many reasons to view my life as being full of happiness (sedih pun ada actually) but since life is about making choices, i choose to be happy. So at this time i just want to be happy! suddenly teringat dengan Ramon dalam Happy Feet. And i think it is normal to feel down sometimes because it is all a test by Him, so stop complaining and bear with one word - redha.

Feeling stressed with the terrible things that happened in life? Sometimes 'laugh' can cheer up your life. There are sayings; Laughter is the best medicine, Laughter is a great stress reliever and Laughter is a multivitamin that keep you healthy... and i have heard that lavender aromatherapy can calm you.... well try it first, see how it works. To me, why not blend those with a lot of reciting prayers and Zikrullah, there they make the best medicine to overcome the stress.

Trust is a compulsory element in nuptials. Patient comes second. Third, honest. Speaking of which, there are many positive elements in life that we can take as guidance to overcome the hurdles. But i like to repeat - certain things are easier said than done. So, pandai2 la ek...

:: I See You ::

Ya Allah, I really miss him...

Everytime i persuade Zafran and Lydia

I see you

Everytime i take Zafran and Lydia to play

I see you

Everytime i teach Zafran and Lydia to talk

I see you

Everytime i hold Zafran and Lydia to walk

I see you

Everytime i buy Zafran and Lydia toys

I see you

There are many things i do with Zafran and Lydia now,

I see you

I see you in many ways when i am with Zafran and Lydia. I see you when i stare them. I feel you when i touch them. I feel lonely when they sleep because my world seemed to be so mute without their voices. Now i see it, now i feel it. I see you abah.. I see you each second of my life. I see you through the eyes of Zafran and Lydia. I see your love and I feel it.

Today is father's day. Last time i saw your smile when i gave you a gift. I remember when i met your company mate and she told me a story about the perfume. You told everyone that crossed your eyes about the perfume. You said you like it so much, you said it was expensive and you told everyone it was a gift from 'my daughter'.

When i was growing up... You taught me more about life, you told me not to do this and that to my 'rebelled' ears. That time it was eccentric to me because i thought i already a big girl and i wanted to do things on my own, my way. Now i realize, indirectly you had taught me many lessons in life, though sometimes i ignored them. You had taught me something that i couldn't find it anymore in everyone, in everything throughout the world.

I have a long story to tell everyone about you but i don't know where to begin. Right here, right now, let it first save in my boxes of memory. One day when Zafran and Lydia understands the words, when they start to appreciate things in life, i will let them know about you, about you and mak from AtoZ.

Happy Father's Day to all fathers in the world... you are truly my man!

:: I Feel You ::

When i bathe Zafran and Lydia
I feel you
When i clothe Zafran and Lydia
I feel you
When i feed Zafran and Lydia
I feel you
When i play with Zafran and Lydia
I feel you
When i touch Zafran and Lydia with love
I feel you
When i hug and kiss Zafran and Lydia
I feel you
When i smile at Zafran and Lydia
I feel you smile at me back...

This is how i feel it, this is how i feel your love. When i was a baby, i didn't feel anything and now i can feel it mak. I can feel the love that you gave me through the love that i give to Zafran and Lydia. I know it won't be the same like yours, but i feel you.

O how i miss you.. i miss the love that gone missing for 3 years. I hungered for your touch, longing for your voice and all the daily routines in my life, busy like Zafran rummages his new toys, it doesn't simply can quenching the memories of you and it revolves around me each second.

I used to think hardly to find a special gift for you, on mother's day, on birthday. Sometimes my head got spinning like gasing just to find one in the shopping mall. Lastly i ended up "mak nak apa? nanti orang beli, senang sikit". But now, it is so easy to find it - Al Fatihah.

Happy mother's day to all mothers in the world! You are my true superhero...

:: Venomous Words, The Murderer ::

Sometimes what you want is not what you get. And you feel devasted!

"Don't hope for something that obviously you know they are not meant for you"

Who told you this?

Instinct

And how do you know that the person is not meant for you?

Intuition

Sometimes you don't realize something that you don't wish for, could clouding your life with happiness forever! I see this happen in my life and yet it does happen in someone's life that i know. Thank you ALLAH.

Back in 2006 if i am not mistaken i blogged about friendship. About friendship that i have, about friends that very close to me. Friend... is ubiquitous but true friend is hardly to find. They are like a pearl, to get them, you have to dive deep down the ocean. Thru the hardship then only you find true friend. And again i thank you ALLAH for giving me a 'Fantastic 3'.

True friend is always trying to understand the emotion, the feeling of each other. Sharing beautiful moments together, not only sharing good things together, it means more than that. To me, when we talk about friendship, there are elements in friendship which very important to me. One of them ~ always trying to take care of each other's feeling. When this element takes top priority, and then there are questions - How honest are we? How sincere are we? Seriously aku jujur dan ikhlas! (aku ketawa)

But sometimes there is a friend who so easily says harsh words to her/his friend, a friend that they claimed to be so true friend. I don't understand why is this thing happened? Adakah kurang pendidikan? (Hahaha) Don't they know sometimes the venomous word is actually the murderer? Just like a poison, they slowly kill the friendship. If you love the friendship, stop syringing the venom into it. Start saying nice words to your friend, it is not gonna cost you a cent, though!

Like a torchlight, torching the darkness

Like a medicine, stopping the pain

Like a brush, painting the perfect picture

Like a radio, spinning the nice song

Like an aircond, cooling the room

Like a true love, giving the true happiness...

That's the true friends are for. As a true friend, see always good things in each other, leave the bad things behind. As a true friend, say always nice things to each other, the venomous words shouldn't have slipped out the mouth. Sometimes when trying to sound flippant, we don't realize that our friends are offended by the words we say. As we are human being, we make mistake. But when the same mistake occurs, i believe there is only one person to blame for the situation, and that is YOU!

:: A Hundred Metres Of Love ::

Hundred metres of love, can i have this?

No.

Why?

Because love is immeasurable.

What if it is measurable?

Trust me, it wouldn't have been enough!

Laughter echoes the living room. It is so good to see Zafran and Lydia playing together. As if I see true happiness that never seems to fade away. Through their eyes, I see the devotion of his love made exclusively for me. While wolfing down Pecan Butterscotch, well it is scrumptious and the taste is good as its sound, i just enjoy watching them playing and laughing. Zafran kuat betul menyakat adik dia (Muazzam said "i don't see that strange to me, he just inherited that skill from you). Why am i to blame on this?

Some gibberish may start in a minute. That's how it works, i mean that's how the life works, my life. I enjoy doing doodling things on this white, clean surface.

I read some where about the hostility factor. According to the research, as you grow older, should be the less hostile you are. Hostility can lead to heart disease. So to those whose bad temper, always in anger, unfriendly or aggressive feelings/behaviour - better stop it! At least you are one step away from getting the disease. You got nothing to lose if you change it for good. Maybe some people can change, well some people maybe not change, up until his/her dying day.

Not surprisingly, if i say there is a group of people who lives in this 'disease' zone and i witness them for years and it seems they just comfortable with it. In another words of saying - never change...at all, in fact it is getting worst. As if they are twisting their own head. I am imperfect either... but i'm not gonna twist my own head thou! I concluded - Life is about making choices, so you choose, then you live with it.

I am not messing with them, so i don't see that's my problem. But if you think you've only got seconds in life to change, then change it. Remember: Life is short. So live your life as nice as Butter Short Bread!

Zafran and Lydia still playing and i still typing some rambles. When i see both of them, there is something that i won't forget. Though it happened a few years ago but the memory is still fresh as a slap across the face. I thought it was something so easy to dispose, but it wasn't. I can't forget those. Bad memories should be treated like a trash and goshhhh.. why i still wanna keep it?

What we should do to something that seems to have governed our life for years? Bad memories example. Bad memories that seems to have chiselled boldly on your mind and would make your hair at the back of the neck stand up everytime the ghost of it haunted you. I don't want to think, sometimes the just show up in front of the door knocking and i don't think i remember sending them an invitation!

:: La tahzan... ::

Zalina ~ La tahzan... My condolences to you and the rest of the family. I know how you feel at this moment. I feel it. I feel it before and until now it is still.

I burst into tears when i got message from a bosom friend of mine SPL, texting that Zalina's father passed away last Tuesday, it was mid night. I was so emotional, I sat on the couch silently and that time my parents face that first came to mind. How i miss them so much, no one can tell.

Zalina ~ I still taste the pain. I know you taste it too. You have once told me about the intimacy between children and their parents. And i remember i blogged about it. It was in 2005 if i am not mistaken. Because of your words, i changed my perception about the relationship between the parents and the daughter. I didn't feel ashame to hug, to kiss, to hold them... and I remember a week before my father passed away, he came to me and asked me to hold his hands. And i hold it, rubbed it... i should have done it long time ago for many times, every second, every day...i whispered to myself that time. Turned out it was the last time i was able to hold his hands.

Zalina ~ Again, La tahzan, don't be sad... ingat ALLAH each second of our life because we belong to Him. If He wanted something to happen, then it happens. Kita sebagai hambaNya kena redha.

Al Fatihah untuk arwah Abah, Mak and Ayah Ngah.

:: Just Because.... ::

Just because someone is repenting for his/her mistake, it doesn't change the past
Just because someone is weeping on his/her wrongdoing, it doesn't change the past
Just because someone is asking for an apology, still... it doesn't change the past

Yes... it doesn't change the past at all. It is like it's being fine tuned in the mind, buried in the heart. A gigantic pain in the soul, an inexplicably poignant feeling inside. It's all about the past that changed some people's life. Actually the past, something i would say it is uneconomic matters that we must drop it out from the budget breakdown. But it is uneasy like sipping a cup of delicious coffee from Coffee Bean though! In fact, i sometimes feel, it's getting worse when it started dwells inside you.

I was trapped in this situation before, but i managed to get away of it 95%. And turned out, it wasn't easy to totally kill the past. At first, I found that it was extremely challenging and second why bother, though? why bother to get your head spinning around just to think of the past? I didn't know... it was just came to me everytime when i try to vanish it. From thereon, i learned that - do not mess with someone especially when it involves with emotion. Because when someone gets hurt, it will change someone's life completely. After what happened, it won't bring back the happiness in total, like it used to be. It is sad, huh?!

In the past almost dozen years, i witnessed some people just in tend to so easy hurting and blaming other people for something that small matters. I don't know why is this happened? I am not saying that i am an angel who doesn't have sins at all but i try to be a better person. I don't know why is that some people who doesn't know how to play guitar at all, then they just play it and they seem ignoring people around them who couldn't bear the twanging anymore. And they keep on playing... ? It is pitiful, huh?!

I am not nagging type person, play discreet it doesn't mean i agree. Answering back to all the words that being blown to me is also not my type. Giving in...? Yes, i am this type. Giving in for something that i believe will take me to another step close to heaven. And still it doesn't mean that i am the loser. Giving in for someone we love so much, it is big sacrifice and again i believe we have nothing to lose by doing this. No point arguing..., the bickering thing has to stop! To stop everything, we have to give in.

Just because to see the happiness keep on showering in our life, FORGET the past!

... forgive them, and forget everything the bad things they did to you. Although it is unforgettable, it is difficult, that's the test. Do more good things in your life, let your past full with good deeds. So it won't haunt you back in the future.

-::- It was 365 days past... -::-

.... and i step into 2010, and still i have 365 more days to treasure. Thank you Allah. Time really moves so fast. I started to feel the same feeling that i have had before - my age is getting lesser! Oooooo....

When i look in the mirror, my eyes are rolling for any fine lines/wrinkles or freckles, you know...common signs for ageing. Mmmm... ada la sikit. Yes... I am getting older and older and olderrrr...! But i don't care much about this, because everyone in the world will face this phase of life including Aishwarya Rai one of the most beautiful women on earth. Hahahaha tak senonoh betul ada ke compare dengan Miss World! Suka hati lah!!

New year resolution? Thinking it was something common that people will ask. Do i have one? Never thought i have one before except - always want to be a better person than yesterday, should have changed this to - year. Actually i have just set one resolution for the new year >> is... to .. to.. to (why am i stuttering?) to... to .. reduce the fine lines, freckles or any ageing signs to make myself comfortable of myself. But how?

Thinking of Botox... (woopsss...just kidding) actually i was enthralled by this Shu Uemura pytho cream..what a name! I heard they are good for fine lines on lips and eye area. Whatever! Maybe i should grab one later. Or maybe i should browse more for something else to ge the best choice. I don't wanna be like another futile stuff that i had in my drawer at home. What a waste!

2009 actually another stellar year for me and family. One of those, of course I got Lydia. She is 6 months old now. She's now always smiling, laughing, shouting andddd ... cryyyy-ing. Her voice is so soft and sweet. I love you my little pumpkin! And i hope for 2010, my life will be blessed by ALLAH each second, Amin.

Zafran? He is learning to talk and trying to understand every single word i say. This is another very insteresting part in children development. I still remember one day when i tried to teach him simple things. When i said Meja (table), he said - Duga. When i said Kerusi (chair), he said - Dugu. Air (water), he said - Tati. Burung (bird), he said - Kaka (Kaka soccer player tu ke Zafrannn..?) It was really funny. And one day, out of nowhere, he went to the bathroom, said - Mandi. Finally he got it right. Good boy, love you darling!

Back to the resolution things, (i feel incredulously myself that i have this kinda...!) what should i call this kinda resolution? Some kind of nonchalance, i guess. Better don't have one, much better! I remember Muazzam used to say 'you cannot get rid of something ... fact! No one can run from getting old. That was certainly true, i conceded. No matter how much phyto cream you put on face, botox, collagen and whatsoever, the fact is no one can escape from old age. Sigh...i already imagined an old lady with her broom mumbling alone... hehehe

Unblinking stare at my laptop screen, goshh i know i have no idea what to write at this moment. My fingers started to press down the keyboard quickly to find the best anti ageing cream infos for (what a stupid resolution i have this year!!). Ok, the gibberish thing has to stop now before they are getting bad.

... and i understand deeply a tranquil smile from Zafran, it means - time to stop rambling mommy!

:: Am I climbing on the bandwagon? ::

I was sitting in my room with frustrated tears wetting on my cheek. First time feeling like a recluse for a moment in my life. I can't believe that happened. And too bad i can't do anything! I just can't. I was stunned, petrified... just like a stupid stubble over there! I am sorry for letting you through everything alone that time, i am so sorry.. so sorry because i was too scared.

Being in idyllic life for years, i thank you ALLAH for that...Amin. And i do hope i will live in this kinda life for another 100 years (masih adakah aku lagi?). I am saying this when i saw something that totally vice versa. Some people is lucky to have such an idyllic days in life, some may be not. When i am happy, i forgot there is someone unhappy. There is someone who suffered for years just to see the loved ones live the life without turmoil.

I started to question myself again and again. Was this sacrifice? Can we call this sacrifice? A noble sacrifice might be? Or is this a person with nobleness heart who willingly let themselves get hurt so bad for the sake of other people? Or maybe something like self-abuse? Why i call self-abuse - because some people simply don't know what they want for themselves. Sometimes they say they have to sacrifice for someone else until they get severe suffered, tortured... and too bad they still don't realize it. They run the life for someone else...for someone who they love so much! Is this fair? I am not a bevy of watching people who enjoy to see something like this happen in front of my two eyes. And right... it is so hard to rummage boxes of someone's heart and feeling. Only He knows everything.

I couldn't stand to see something atrocious being a king to something so weak. I loathe this happen but who am i to stop it? And i loathe a person with manipulative behaviour who tries to use that skill on a person who has blurry way out. I really dislike a selfish person who tries to persuade a person who completely mind deadlocked. There was a thing i found difficult about what i saw, it was the person itself, i mean the victim. They may be confused, deeply ashamed or not prepared for the consequences if they fight back or may be they are afraid. Somebody needs to give their hands to this person (victim). Help them to mitigate their fear which like a big stone on their head. But if we have the guts, we find everything difficult become so easy. This is what i feel and really want to do it for someone that i really love so much. Fear no more, let's face this with brave heart, strong arm. Be it a loser or bandwagon... the most important thing is we fight for justice!

Salam Maal Hijrah to all friends!

:: I always imagined... ::

Last time I always imagined one day i would be a violinist, sitting on a chair on a stage with a very exquisite red gown, playing the violin with one of my very favourite evergreen song - Love Story by Andy Williams. And then... of course the audience gives me standing ovation for the the brilliant show. It must be great if i really have a chance to play that magical instrument. It has so calm and smooth sound to my ears. Fuhh... it was just a dream, besides who would have guessed a person like me turned out to be someone like that? But i like it... berangan je kerja aku!

I almost taken the violin class back then but time did not allow me to do so. Well i have to vanish the insanity because i think i have many more important things to do. And after i have Zafran and Lydia in my life... then i started to realize something is more necessarily to do other than anything in whole life. But then the imagination about the violinist things still glued in my mind... heyyy nothing is wrong with that, isn't? Nothing can shatter my dreams...

Years passing by..., i thought i have blanketed all the day dreams with my routine activities at home, unfortunately it still stuck in my head but the precentage a bit decreased. When i look at Joshua Bell, Vanessa Mae, fuhh..they are great. And then i always imagined one day i would be sitting in row with them playing the violin (sure lari tempo and disebabkan aku, konsert depa kena baling telur tembelang)

And then, it's not end there, after being successful violinist for years (berangan lagi), i always imagined that one day i would be a writer. I love romantic books so much! I may not be a person who experienced a lot of love chapters in my life but i can guarantee that my words can melt people and they unsconciously weeping only to see the hardcover of my books (we want more story! we want more story!! please don't quit, we want more!!) hahahaha.. see.. the eagerness? I am not trying to gloat on myself... but don't you see it?

Am i having a brain damage here? or something wrong with my nerve? Having a disfunctional brain sometimes it helps lower your blood pressure and calm your mind! (i am laughing like a vampire!) Am i right or am i right..? And my heart whispered; Salah tu, nak tenangkan fikiran pergi baca Al Quran, solat... (obviously i am wrong)

Zafran is sitting on the couch, his gaze darting at my face i guess..but i pretend i don't notice it at all. I think i know what he has on his mind (he must be thinking - my mom is typing some rambles againn... ) I am so good in translation! Well.. i got it son. A bit quandary inside when i see his face like that.. and i started to think (Should i spend half an hour on this square flat screen and let him alone there?) Without chagrin, i continue rambling... (hehehee) Sorry darling, i just couldn't stop my fingers...see they just dancing softly on the keyboard...how to stop it? Helppp...

Where is Lydia by the way? Oohh.. She is tightly sleeping in the cradle (alhamdulillah hehehe).

While typing this, my ear drums g0t strike by million words from the lips of my 'lonely' prince. He asks me so many questions which i don't know what the questions are (zafran with world languages). As usual my answer ...in a lazy drawl (in a lazy drawl when the question reach the max numbers) : Ye ke? O Macam tu yee... brilliant anak mama ni...! Zafran boleh tak simpan semua soalan tu untuk esok pulak? Hehehehe

Ok back to where 'i always imagined'.... Wait a minute... do i hear a song called Killing Me Softly With His Song...? Yes you do. This is one of my favourite song... i wish i can play this song with my invisible violin.

I heard he sang a song

I heard he had a style

And so i came to see him and listen for a while

And there he was a young boy, stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with this song, killing me softly with his words

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his words....

Okeyy enough rambling for today!

:: When something is unforgiven... ::

.... that is wrong. We forgive and forget... this is right, true. But it's difficult thing to do. I have been thru this situation before. 'You're forgiven!' whereas inside, only He knows what is actually you feel. When something bad happens in our life, it hurts you badly and it leaves big scar inside... and things that hurt you, it's like it stuck in your brain 24/7. How could we call it - it's forgiven! Maybe thru your lips, it's forgiven but how about your heart? Does your mouth and heart braces together?

I am not Canon - delighting you always!

Sometimes i have right to feel hurt. I am kinda person who loves to see people around me happy for what i am doing. Delighting people around me everytime when they are with me. But like i said, I am not Canon. I treat people around me the best i could and until i almost forgot something... : Sometimes, no matter how best you treat someone, they will never treat you back the same way. I agree. Regardless you best friends, siblings...

It's hard to know what's inside you... Your mouth say "I forgive you", what does the heart says? Everytime when we see the faces who hurt you, then your mind rewinding the past, the past that hurt you so bad. Can we say this forgiveness? When we forgive someone, but then the relationship will not be the same like before. Again.. can we call this forgiveness?

Some people is easy to say "well..just forgive him and forget what he did to you.." Look... I am the one who gets hurt, not you. So is easy for you to say 'forgive and forget'. Hopefully, when the time comes, thing will change for better... better than days that passed by... insyaALLAH. I can't promise when it will be... because i am just a normal person who sometimes makes mistake.

Different people, different heart. So we should not expect the forgiveness comes in short time. Same goes to the wound, don't expect it will recover in short period. The wound is still bleeding! Seems like it was yesterday it happened.....

Ooopss... today Sept 30, Happy Birthday Dear...love you till the end!

:: Until it's gone... ::

Aku rindu giler dekat arwah mak dengan abah. How i wish i could turn back time, where my parents are here with me. Abah..mak it's Ramadhan now, it is 3rd time Ramadhan without you and i feel missing..lacking of something.... And when Syawal comes, i don't know what to say, lagi laa...now i can feel the emptiness is slowly approaching me. Since you'd gone, i'm not really in the mood celebrating raya like i used to be.

Yesterday i met abah's close friend, Pakcik Osman. I shed a tear when he approached me with smile. Automatically i pictured abah's smiley face. Ya ALLAH! Rindunya aku pada abah, pada mak...

It gives me pause when everytime the tv shows Raya's ad. Suddenly it drags me deep into raya memories with abah and mak. Abah dengan mak orang yang paling semangat sekali sambut raya. Early raya morning, surely kepoh. Abah memang kepochi...And i laughed alone... but then i cried alone when actually all of it was just a past! Passing the days without you, something hard actually... but i just ignore the sorrow, i just don't wanna think about it so much. Seeing the sad soul inside me, only He knows how bad it is. And again i have to move on, at least i still have the loved ones around me..

There are times where i really can't throw away the sadness in my life. It's normal i guess..for a regular person like me. The biggest sadness for me when i lost both of them. It has been past two and half years, and yet it's still. They are always on mind from the time i wake up and till i close my eyes at night and sometimes i see them in my dreams. You don't know how you miss something until it's gone... it's true. Ya ALLAH...gimme strength to face Your test.

.... and you don't know how you miss someone so badly until they are gone...forever...and never come back. How many times in our life we just realized something that eminently important to us and then suddenly they just dissappear in just the blink of eyes? Something that we won't get it back no matter what we do. After they are gone, then we realized how much we miss them. When they are right in front of our eyes, we have never thought of losing them. We only thought of having them forever besides us. And there never seems to be enough time to do the things that i want to do with them before, after they're gone, suddenly i feel i have so much time to spend with them. This is what i feel right now, at this moment. I wish i could keep all the time in a bottle like what Jim Croce said in his song. There were smiles, there were laughs, there were tears and all those remain. Needless to say when the sadness pounces, it's unimaginable. Hanya DIA yang tahu... On a recent weekend, i went to bazar Ramadhan. When i looked at the 'ayam golek', again teringat dekat abah. Abah suka sangat ayam golek. Tengok kuih muih traditional teringat dekat mak, itu semua mak punya favourite. Sedihnya...

I know, everthing that happens in our life, happens for a reason. And everything that happened in my life, it was a test to measure my patience and faith and it changed my life in many important ways. ALLAH yang menentukan segalanya, kita sebagai hamba-Nya yang hina dan mengaku beriman kepada-Nya, seharusnya redha dengan ujian-Nya.

Al Fatihah untuk abah dan mak. Salam Aidilfitri to all muslims out there...

:: Incredible Journey ::

It was very daunting that early morning on June 27 at 3.30am and there was something wrong with my pregnancy. There was a leakage but i did not feel any contractions. At the hospital, i was lying on bed for hours frantically throughout the morning until the doctor decided to perform c section at 10.30am. My baby girl was born one month earlier. I supposed to be delivered on July 27 but anyway alhamdulillah everything went well. The doctor said to me 'Your baby is smart, she decides for you' Hahahahahahaha smart sungguh!

First week it was really tough moment taking care of premature baby. Luckily my mom in law was here, so she helped me a lot. If not i don't know what to say or do... and again, maybe i must be nibbling at my fingernails with a huge question mark on my head thou 'HOW DO I DO THIS?? SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'

Hai...belum apa2 aku dah kelam kabut tahap transformers, itu baru dua beb! Arwah mak dulu 5 orang...termasuk aku yg berperangai... makk..i miss you mak... I just can't emulating you mak! I can't be like you...a supermom. At this time i really need you badly by my side.

Zafran? Well, I could tell by his well fed belly that he is not foodless. Why i said so? Because everytime when i breastfeed Lydia, he's next! Aku redha je la.

I conceded that being a mother is not easy. Maybe you can make it sounds so easy but the truth is only a mother can feel it. Fuhh... i can feel it now. When i see Zafran, i realise how time really flies. He's 2 years old now and yet i have another little person in my house that need to be given something similar to what i have been given to Zafran. I believe this gonna be an incredible journey that i will ever take in life.

Zafran, Lydia - be good k because mama don't wanna be Incredible Hulk!

:: Between BUDGET & Being CALCULATIVE ::

So longggggg... i did not pop up in my blog. There are many reasons why. Do i need to list it down here? Ok la, i list a few of them;

1. I was really in bad 'whole day sickness' for 4 months early this year

2. Getting OK from the sickness, but i was so damn allergic to the 'electronic devices'

3. Busy with Mr. Iman Mishary Zafran

4. Etc, etc, etc....

Well... i am beginning to scratch my 'un-itchy head' when i look at the title. There is something i wanna share here but lookk... where do i start mann? I thought it's easy like telling the audience about the power of Spiderman, Batman or Superman. But this one, suddenly i become speechless. Maybe the incident still haunted me until now...shoot..how do i get this stupid thing out from my head??

Ok I give example about one mega project 'in the progress' and of course when we talk about project there must be a budget, the stages: appraisal, planning and execution and so on bla bla bla and bla. But certain 'superhero' doesn't know about the definition of the word BUDGET. Poor they, don't they? Wanna be a superhero...? Oohhh please mannn...don't be a 'Plastic' Man! Surprisingly, they are from a group of people who holds degree, master or even higher education level! After what happened, it taught me something. It doesn't mean you have great piece of paper, YOU ARE BRILLIANT in everything! Sometimes you are even worse than a tooottt...(Sorry the word that i wanna say here has been 'filtered' by Lembaga Penapisan Negara!)

When we talk about budget, there some eyeless people snarl at you suddenly and start to label you 'being calculative' just because you care about the project that being budgeted. Budget and being calculative are totally such different things. Budget is budget... bodoh betul! There is no such way the word 'top up' or 'installment' words should be came out after the project completed. Bila aku kata bodoh, nanti ada yang melenting, berguling2 atas lantai tak mengaku yang diri tu bodoh. I wonder what kinda Master they are in? Master in Moron or what??!! Bingo! At some point - i know nobody is perfect although they have perfect education background. It's all about attitude. I also imperfect but i know how to differentiate what is right, what is wrong. For example, snarling at people in front of other people, it's obviously a bad attitude and wrong.

Attitude is the most essential element in human being, that makes you look different from other people, no matter if you have degree or not. If you have degree, master and comes with a good attitude, it would be a first class ticket for you. But if you are not from this group, better jadi macam aku je la, finished my high school, continued study in diploma but failed one paper and straightly discontinued the study... at least i know how to respect people and at least i never snap people!

I just don't know why... there is somebody who loves to put somebody's life in a mess. After he did it, he felt that he's great or what so ever. But i hope this kinda people have a little regret in his life after what he did, if not, i think that people is over qualified to be called - The Most Pyscho Abnormal Creature In The World. Sesuka hati aku menggelarkan orang... Ya ALLAH ampunkan aku!

To those who had experienced this kind of situation before, just be patient, although you feel bad inside, you stay cool on a chair with vermillion eyes that of courseee..can't cover your enragement, but you still can control it, i respect you la babe! It's not easy mann... To those who had made somebody's life completely miserable, I would love to say - Bravo! Do it again... maybe one day there is a big reflection reflects to you back! What goes around comes around. And i think no matter how bad you disagree about others opinion or style of handling things, you don't have to snap them out of sudden, in a crowd some more.... eeeee... how could that happened huh?!!

I know if you read my writing this time, some people must be thinking that, there is a bit cloudy here. I also blurrr mahhh... Just consider this a nonsense that comes out from someone who is in bad 'morning sickness'. But i won't talk at length about it anymore, because the more i talk, the more'bad words' would come out from my mouth hehehehehehee... biasa la orang tengah marah ni....! No offend to those who had degree or master or phd - is not all of you like what i have imagined up there. I am just talking about the minority. Ya ampun pak!

Not wanting to miss the fact; be like Bill Gates, one of Ceo without college degree - he dropped out of Harvard, or maybe Michael Dell, the Founder, Chairman and Ceo of Dell - he did not finish his study at Uni of Texas or maybe Richard Branson, another Ceo of Virgin Group with no college degree.... The fact is they don't have college degree but they are brilliant and of course they are the people who CAN talk about 'top up' because they own million bucks in their pocket!

:: Principle Vs Right = I Am Not A Robot ::

Life principle.. I believe everybody has it. Me included. I don't wanna talk at length about the definition of the words. I hoisted my deep deep breath before i begin to ramble on this subject. (Hahahahhaa macam bagus!)

(Please take note, due to safety reason, the principles cannot be revealed by the blogger - lol)

Recently, that was the first time i felt i have lost in my own thought. For many years i have lived in my principles. I have made lines in my life and i have lived between the lines for years. I taught myself not to cross the lines, BUT I FAILED. Maybe because i am an ordinary person, maybe because i am just a human being, or maybe my 'patience' ozone layer has reduced day by day. So i made mistake. It wasn't a huge mistake, it was just, i have put anti-wrinkle cream on the lines... so the lines slowly dissappeared. How do i say this? Ummhhh... the mistake i did, it was something to do with my principles but nothing to do with other people. But other people who forces me to break the principles. Who to blame? Blame it to me, blame it to other people or maybe blame it on the rain who makes my clothes wet!

Again, i don't wanna elaborate on what was happened to me recently.... all i can say - it was really burst my principle and my rage exploded enormously and by sudden i became defence-less person. I realized i can't work with my own principle anymore. I just can't do anything in defence of my own principle, which i built myself! Now i see... Principles are also meant to be broken.

All this while, life principle is like a self-defence mechanism to protect myself from over-reacting to something unpleasant me. And that day..... the defence mechanism was suddenly damaged. They can't protect me anymore. Ok enough ramblings on the 'defence word'. Now i realized i started to use zillion 'defence' word. Defence..defence...Ahakkk...

Principle and Right. These two words works together. They have connection. Why i said so? Because i said so. If Nokia - connecting people, these two words connecting each other perfectly.

Well, i guess i have right not to follow my own principles anymore. Don't you think so? Yeahh.. I think so! After the incident, i always think 'AM I IN THE RIGHT SIDE? AM I? AM I? AM I? Maybe Yes, or maybe No. Things get complicated now. Do I make things arround me complicated? Yes. No actually, no...i am not. I am just doing some what we call a self-defence. After what happened, I have right to feel hurt, i have right to feel sad, i have right to feel angry, i have right to feel dissappointed, it's all a matter of - RIGHT. Because i am a human being, i have right to feel all those emotions damn it! Kali ni aku betul-betul emo!!

Again, I am a defence-less person. Human is weak by nature (which i thought MAN is weak by nature in the first place hahahhaa). That's all i can tell. I am not a robot or machine who doesn't feel anything, do as told, and when the time comes, people will switch off the button so i just stay where people need me to stay. Muazzam? He's so seemed to be 'unaffected' by the incident. He's cool, i know he's that type of person. Thanks for always standing by me dear... you are a super hero of my time babe! Remember the Superman tshirt i bought for you...it was expensive you know and now it's really worth it.

Sometimes is easy for us to advise others to do good things. Example: "When people do bad things to you, you shouldn't do bad things to them back. Be patient, although the thing they did to you caused a major disaster in your life, be patient". This is what i always defence of. I remember old saying says, patience - there is a limit. Yes...there is a limit, i admit. When there is something guzzling your patience frequently...there you feel tested. When you get tested for million times, you get bored. I am weak, this time damnnn weak! I can't toughly hold my shield this time, because i am neither Xena the warrior nor a robot.

Ok, before i kungfu dunk my laptop into pieces, better i pen off here. Ooo la la...

- since that there is no update for Zafran this time, i can see his feet up there...is more than enough. love you baby!

:: Syawal, again...It Goes Away... ::

Sepasang Kurung Biru

Tiada salam atau ucapan

Tiada pesan tanda ingatan

Suasana penuh keriangan

Ku teringat pada seseorang

oh...

Di hari yang berbahgia ini

Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali

Betapa manis kenangi lalu

Menyambut raya bersama denganku

oh...

Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar

Hanya suara azan sayup bergema

Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu

Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku

Tetamu datang tetamu pergi

Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti

Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru

Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku

oh...

Syawal is leaving us again. I remember last raya with abah, he was wearing sepasang baju melayu biru and mak with baju kurung warna purple (i bought it). Dalam hati bangga giler bila tengok mak pakai baju tu. The song i paste up there, one of my favourite raya song. When i heard this song aired on tv last few weeks, i was so touched. Maybe because of the lyrics mentioned about 'baju kurung biru' i guess.. Raya without abah and mak, it was totally different situation and the ambience..it seemed quite 'ada kureng sikit'. I still can't wipe out the sadness... I miss my mom's rendang, nasi hujan panas, ayam goreng sambal.... a lot! Di manakan kucari ganti? I also can make rendang, but the taste isn't the same like my mom. Air tangan mak agaknya...

Talking about my feeling this raya, exactly like 'mix vege' or maybe even scrumptious like 'mix fruits cake'. I was so happy when i looked at Zafran with his baju melayu, so cute! He just really enjoyed the excitement. As usual we didn't go for theme color...rojak ayam habis! Muazzam with dark brown short sleeves and i was with baju kurung, orange color lagi tu...! Hahahahaha macam limau sunkist ke apa!

Muazzam he looks gorgeous with a new hair cut (although i disagree..i object! I frowned and shake my head 10 times - indicated refusal of the new cut) hehehehe, no worry dude.. hair grows anyway! You look gorgeous, but don't you know that you look even more gorgeous, handsome, macho with your long hair cut thou...? Time raya semua mesti nampak baru kan, rambut pun kena baru beb!

Many plans had called off last minute during raya this time. I don't want to do fairy tale story here. To Is and Ina, alhamdulillah you guys have touched down Spain safely, amin. Have a good life there! Look forward to seeing your pictures in the blog as promised dude! Btw, two pictures up there, it was last raya picha with abah and mak. How would i know it was the last...if i only knew, of course there would be million snaps...

Al Fatihah untuk abah dan mak.

Salam aidilfitri to all muslimin and muslimat, maaf zahir & batin!