:: If Only I Knew, I Wouldn't Have To Wait ::
‘My life is so like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!’ A perfect answer describing how busy I was, when being asked by my cousin on ‘how is life being a mother?’ ‘Unfortunately my bank account is not like them, that’s the difference’, myself added jokingly. The truth is I am so happy for the newborn baby, it made my life so completely just like heaven. For eight years I have been waiting for the miracle to happen into my life and finally it happened for real! Everybody around me was so happy especially my parents. I know they’ve been praying for me day and night. Deep inside my heart right now, of course I want million pages to tell everybody ‘Hello…I am the happiest person in the world!’ Like how Jack Dawson screams in the Titanic ‘I am a king of the worlddd…’ when he got into that luxurious ship. Or I wish I could be like Celine Dion, singing a song to describe how happy she was, the moment she got her little precious. Well…different people, different style of way to express their feelings.
Year 2007 promises a total happiness to me! That was what I have predicted earlier. But my prediction was twisted and then I was just realised I was not born to be a clairvoyant. In my journey to achieve the goal, I have been through a lot of things which taught me to be more matured in facing challenges next. I know, things that happen in our life, happens for a reason. Only God knows what’s the best for His creature. Who am I to question, why is that? why is this?
I was a secretary before and I really love my job so much. Sometimes when we have to let go of something that we love, for something that we love more, it’s totally worth it! After quitting my job, I have undergone several process of treatment to conceive. Actually that was my intention why I have to sacrifice my job. In between, I become a housewife of leisure. While my husband at work, I went out with my parents almost ‘twenty four seven’. Accompanied them to the hospital, to the bank, shopping together, sometimes it was just for something simple like buying durians, meeting their friends and not to forget – chatting with them over the telephone plus handphone. Especially my father, he was quite an active person in some political works and indirectly I became his secretary. Did some typing work for him, checked his writing and prepared his speech. That was not including when I was being asked to give an idea by them on what to wear for lunch or dinner invitation, O my god, I never thought I was that busy! Secretary-cum-stylist, not bad huh?!
During my first trimester of pregnancy, I had terrible morning sickness. I lacked of energy to do the housework, automatically I became ‘inactive’ person. All my ‘activities’ with my parents before, was immediately stopped. I was allergic to certain foods. There go my parents played their roles. Asking me what I wanted to eat, what I want the food to be cooked like, for almost everyday. Not forgetting my husband, he also did his part of being a good husband though! Curious about the morning sickness, one day I asked my mom how long the ‘sickness’ will take? My mom said ‘Last time when I was pregnant for you, it took until almost third trimester’. What?!! Third trimester? Meaning that I still have six months to go? My eyes and mouth was gaping when I heard that answer. Meanwhile, at positive side, I have thought ‘Oh maybe this is how my mom feels when she was having me! Now I feel it for myself’. It was so tougher than I thought it would be. Some people said, you never know until you are into it. I do agree with that phrase three hundred percent! Now I really, really deeply comprehend why a mother willing to do anything for the sake of their children.
May came knocking my door, I was in a second trimester and yet I still a ‘drunken master’. I threw out everthing I ate. My mom said something nice when I started babbling, ‘It’s normal for pregnant lady, just be patient and be strong. This is what you’ve been waiting for right? Well just enjoy it’. And I hold on tight to that magic words.
On May 3rd, my dad dropped by my house to send some beef gravies. I still remembered how the gravies stimulating my appetite and I ate a lot until it ended to the washroom. I remembered he gave me such a very sweet smile and drove away. And…that was the last smile for me. I never thought it would be the last…not a million! He had passed away on May 4th. Hardly to believe I lost him so sudden. Yesterday he had grinned at me, talked to me and today I can’t see the smile, I can’t hear the voice anymore. ‘This is not real!’ I whispered to myself as my heart was pounding fast.
Teardrops rolling down on my face like a waterfall. My heart dropped when I think about my baby who didn’t have chance to know his grandfather. My mom hugged me and murmured ‘Don’t be sad, you got something more valuable that you need to take care of at this moment. Be patient and be strong, at least you still have me’. Her eyes watered by tears when she said that as she touched my stomach softly. When I look at her cheerless, pale face, I promised to myself that I will take care of her, take her to stay with me and try my best to cheer up her life. I know it’s not easy to console someone who had just lost her loved one. Just imagine, she has been with my dad for thirty seven years.
Everyday I keep on thinking of the sweet memories that left behind while I was accompanied my mom in the mourning. We were laughing together when I started to memorize every single funny things my dad had done. Sometimes we were crying together when we started longing for him. I remembered a week before he passed away, he bought me a giant watermelon. And then I told him no need to buy one big size like that, two slices would be enough for me. ‘It is not for you, it is for your baby’ he replied jokingly with a smile. God! I miss him so much. I miss everything about him especially his smiley face.
I thought my tears should have slowly ebb thereafter. A month later, on June 4th, out of the blue, my mom had followed my dad. I was stunned. It was really unimaginable situation for me that time. At first, I did not want to believe that I lost both of them at one time, maybe I was in the some kind of drama or what?! Can’t wait to hear the director say ‘cut’, and the shooting is over then I have them back in my life. I was hoping that somebody will come to me and yelled at me ‘Wake up, it’s just a dream…’ Apparently, neither was a drama nor a dream, on July 16th when I opened up my eyes at the hospital after giving birth to my son, they were not by my side….then only I know, I have to face the fact that I had lost them forever. Tears in my heart when I look at my son was sleeping tight in my mother in law’s arm.
Losing my parents by sudden had caused a big impact to me. I shed bucket of tears day and night at the beginning week of my confinement. Underneath that I was thinking, no matter If I cry a river, nothing could bring them back. Life must go on and I have to move on. Actually there were many things I have planned ahead once I got pregnant. Having my parents in my house playing with my baby, walking by the beach where my dad busy pushing the pram, shopping baby’s stuff together, learning on how to care of the baby from them….actually a lot, there were still a lot of things I wanted to do with them which I didn’t have chance to make it. That’s it, we plan something, but God decides on everything.
As time goes by, one day, I was staring through the opened window, I remembered about the mother’s and father’s day gift that I have supposed to buy for them. A handbag for my mom and a perfume for my dad. These two things they loved the most. Since Mother’s Day falls in May, everything I had planned for this big day was hindered because we were still in the blue for my dad that time. Thinking back, why I have to wait for that specific date? If only I knew they would leave me forever, I wouldn’t have to wait until the day comes. I should have just given the gift in advance, so that they can enjoyed it. After what had happened, it really taught me a lesson. Never wait until tomorrow, because we don’t know how much time left for us and we don’t know for how long we can enjoy the smile, the voice and the face of the person that we love again. Nothing else we would do, if tomorrow never comes…. AL FATIHAH