:: When something is unforgiven... ::

.... that is wrong. We forgive and forget... this is right, true. But it's difficult thing to do. I have been thru this situation before. 'You're forgiven!' whereas inside, only He knows what is actually you feel. When something bad happens in our life, it hurts you badly and it leaves big scar inside... and things that hurt you, it's like it stuck in your brain 24/7. How could we call it - it's forgiven! Maybe thru your lips, it's forgiven but how about your heart? Does your mouth and heart braces together?

I am not Canon - delighting you always!

Sometimes i have right to feel hurt. I am kinda person who loves to see people around me happy for what i am doing. Delighting people around me everytime when they are with me. But like i said, I am not Canon. I treat people around me the best i could and until i almost forgot something... : Sometimes, no matter how best you treat someone, they will never treat you back the same way. I agree. Regardless you best friends, siblings...

It's hard to know what's inside you... Your mouth say "I forgive you", what does the heart says? Everytime when we see the faces who hurt you, then your mind rewinding the past, the past that hurt you so bad. Can we say this forgiveness? When we forgive someone, but then the relationship will not be the same like before. Again.. can we call this forgiveness?

Some people is easy to say "well..just forgive him and forget what he did to you.." Look... I am the one who gets hurt, not you. So is easy for you to say 'forgive and forget'. Hopefully, when the time comes, thing will change for better... better than days that passed by... insyaALLAH. I can't promise when it will be... because i am just a normal person who sometimes makes mistake.

Different people, different heart. So we should not expect the forgiveness comes in short time. Same goes to the wound, don't expect it will recover in short period. The wound is still bleeding! Seems like it was yesterday it happened.....

Ooopss... today Sept 30, Happy Birthday Dear...love you till the end!

:: Until it's gone... ::

Aku rindu giler dekat arwah mak dengan abah. How i wish i could turn back time, where my parents are here with me. Abah..mak it's Ramadhan now, it is 3rd time Ramadhan without you and i feel missing..lacking of something.... And when Syawal comes, i don't know what to say, lagi laa...now i can feel the emptiness is slowly approaching me. Since you'd gone, i'm not really in the mood celebrating raya like i used to be.

Yesterday i met abah's close friend, Pakcik Osman. I shed a tear when he approached me with smile. Automatically i pictured abah's smiley face. Ya ALLAH! Rindunya aku pada abah, pada mak...

It gives me pause when everytime the tv shows Raya's ad. Suddenly it drags me deep into raya memories with abah and mak. Abah dengan mak orang yang paling semangat sekali sambut raya. Early raya morning, surely kepoh. Abah memang kepochi...And i laughed alone... but then i cried alone when actually all of it was just a past! Passing the days without you, something hard actually... but i just ignore the sorrow, i just don't wanna think about it so much. Seeing the sad soul inside me, only He knows how bad it is. And again i have to move on, at least i still have the loved ones around me..

There are times where i really can't throw away the sadness in my life. It's normal i guess..for a regular person like me. The biggest sadness for me when i lost both of them. It has been past two and half years, and yet it's still. They are always on mind from the time i wake up and till i close my eyes at night and sometimes i see them in my dreams. You don't know how you miss something until it's gone... it's true. Ya ALLAH...gimme strength to face Your test.

.... and you don't know how you miss someone so badly until they are gone...forever...and never come back. How many times in our life we just realized something that eminently important to us and then suddenly they just dissappear in just the blink of eyes? Something that we won't get it back no matter what we do. After they are gone, then we realized how much we miss them. When they are right in front of our eyes, we have never thought of losing them. We only thought of having them forever besides us. And there never seems to be enough time to do the things that i want to do with them before, after they're gone, suddenly i feel i have so much time to spend with them. This is what i feel right now, at this moment. I wish i could keep all the time in a bottle like what Jim Croce said in his song. There were smiles, there were laughs, there were tears and all those remain. Needless to say when the sadness pounces, it's unimaginable. Hanya DIA yang tahu... On a recent weekend, i went to bazar Ramadhan. When i looked at the 'ayam golek', again teringat dekat abah. Abah suka sangat ayam golek. Tengok kuih muih traditional teringat dekat mak, itu semua mak punya favourite. Sedihnya...

I know, everthing that happens in our life, happens for a reason. And everything that happened in my life, it was a test to measure my patience and faith and it changed my life in many important ways. ALLAH yang menentukan segalanya, kita sebagai hamba-Nya yang hina dan mengaku beriman kepada-Nya, seharusnya redha dengan ujian-Nya.

Al Fatihah untuk abah dan mak. Salam Aidilfitri to all muslims out there...