::: egoista :::

egoista, you should pronounce it as "ay hoi yista" ha ha ha ha suddenly i use this spanish word to be the title. It means selfish.

I don't care who says what, but the most important thing is, I get what I want. It sounds selfish, but sometimes when we have no choice, we have to choose to be like one.

I see with my two eyes, some people being selfish just because they want to run away from something that burden them. I don't see this normal and yet it becomes normal to them. Ya ALLAH, please don't make me like them, aamiin. I am not perfect, but not in the world I will use the imperfect portion to "slave" someone else. It is ok to seek help, but to "slave".. it will become different story already mahhh...

Sometimes they said, Ooo I have no intention? or didn't mean it? What does it mean, when you started to do it over and over and over again? Is that you called "no intention" or "didn't mean it". Worse than that, after what you did, you feel not guilty at all.

Stop faking and stop being a liar! Whatever we do, please remember this : ALLAH knows what is inside-out of you, He knows your heart and He knows what is in your mind.

Busy with my life with beautiful gifts from Him - Zafran, Lydia and Eijaz. I  have no chance to update my blog past few months because right now Eijaz, he kind of busy with my lappy, so how? Tell me how to solve this?

Lastly - being authentic is not a mistake!

:: Ramadhan, sekali lagi kita bertemu... ::

"but it may happen that ye hate a thing which is good for you, and it may happen that ye love a thing which is bad for you. Allah knoweth, ye know not" Surah Al Baqarah : 216

Feel like I was beaten, my chest was stabbed hundred times by those beautiful words but it seems no bruises and blood. Sometimes, yes...it may happen that I think of something good should always be mine all the time and ask myself  "why don't I get this and that, why and why?" When my eyes glued to word by word on the tafsir page, then I learned something. Really learned a lot!

Someone whining at me about his/her life is not like how he/she has planned it. I am not perfect either, I was like him/her before. As I grow older, in the state of being fully grown and developed, I have come to realize something;

....actually we are not a real planner, The real and The greatest Planner of all is ALLAH. He knows what is best for you...

So, the conclusion is - we are not a planner for our lives as per we always claimed. ALLAH berhak ke atas segala-segalanya dan aku redha dengan segala apa jua pemberianNya. Ya Matin...gimme strength to face it, aamiin.

:: The Downbeat ::

Have you ever experienced, when you are so happy with something, suddenly there's something unpredictable happens and it kills your mood immediately?

Sometimes, life is fueled by painful memories, I said sometimes. Recently, I was having a bit downbeat mood because of certain things. I can't give a doleful look on this matter, because I know I was being tested. Redha. Being acceptance is not easy and I know that. But...redha.

There was certain things in life, people..seemed to do such a perfect innocuous remark. They have no intention to offend or upset somebody buttttt.... they did eventually. They did not mean it, but still... they did. Fuhh! Human... they have brain, left and right composition but the way they think of something which is so simple, ... different, very different. You know what, sometimes they just can't differentiate things in front of their eyes, which one is supposed to be appreciated the most. Appreciate, appreciate.. an appreciative smile could be enough tho, and it doesn't cost you a penny. Is it difficult?

"When I bump into this situation, then I got muscular dystrophy suddenly ahaakk"

How come some people suddenly don't even know how to think and react to this situation? I am not saying I am damn good on how to think and react...but one thing for sure I know how to fully utilize my brain (maybe I am not smart but at least  for some other cases I am smarter enough tho), unlike others who claimed they are smart and have a very good title, but then at the end, they are just smart on papers!

One day someone that I know, give me a gloating look and say something not so nice, with only a quick look from me, I could tell at a glance what is that look reallyyyyy for. What should I do then?

"Should I go into convulsion in result to react on this matter? Or should I give my gloating look to her/him back?" 

No, I was just smiling. I was thinking, it was something such a waste, big waste to have interaction with this kind of people. But inside, I was hurt, devastated, to add on : I was apoplectic at the words she/he used. And then there is someone, telling me try to recall something that people has always been good to you, not the opposite. OK, done it! So, I make conclusion that no matter how terrible people do bad things to you, just ignore, and try to remember the good things. But one thing for certain, that does not really apply when it involves with feeling and emotion. I tried to be fair in other way to accept everything that happened in life, it was so called 'asam garam' kehidupan. But I can't be conniving in an injustice situation. Pretending not to notice, will this work? Or stay dressed in camouflage would be better?

When I have been through all of these situation as I live and breathe, as I grow older, one thing that always keep coming back to me now, "do not hunger for human's appreciation, the most important thing is, let ALLAH value and appreciate what you have done good to people". And again, I am not perfect, my heart hurt, my knee is bleeding when I fall, my face streaked by tears when I sad and that's human being.

Ok, I think I have lost track and begin to ramble. So stop the ramblings! By the way, have you ever felt that there was one day in your life, you feel it all has eaten up by regrets? Ok, ok, stop it!

:: It Was Never A Dull Moment ::

Wedding anniversary is a time where we look back at the good times for the past years and we then always look ahead for the beautiful dreams together to live in. Under that, it is also a celebration for the love and trust and  of course not forgetting the partnership. Those are great basic foundation for a relationship. Goshhh... why am i telling the definition on this, i think everyone out there knows what this all about. Anyway let's forget it. I tell you what... I was just celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary, Alhamdulillah.. and I must thank you ALLAH for the good times (and also the bad) that we have been through together. Without Him we won't be this far gone. I remember some people said about we can't buy love... it is true. But sometimes, it depends on some cases, we can buy love but we can't buy happiness. We can't never ever buy happiness because it is a gift from ALLAH. Being acceptance is the only key to happiness that lasts forever.

......and actually by wishing 'happy anniversary' it doesn't seem enough to say. It is beyond that. I couldn't find the best words to describe how grateful I am to be able to feel love that I am feeling right now. So below, it is a poem that I made for him to express some what I feel along the way together.

It was never a dull moment
When i sick, you take care of me

It was never a dull moment
When i smile, you smile back to me

It was never a dull moment
When i cook, you eat although i know sometimes my cook is tasteless

It was never a dull moment
When i feel sad, you cheer me up

It was never a dull moment
When i am happy, you are the reason why i am happy (do you know that?)

It was never a dull moment
Even though sometimes we fought (It is normal, sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit)
Knowing that at the end of it all, we are always gonna live under the same cloud

Again i repeat, .... It was never a dull moment
and i thank you ALLAH for giving me this 'never a dull moment' in my life!

Happy anniversary babe, love you always...Lillahi ta'ala...

When I say sorry, It doesn't mean I totally wrong!

I really miss my blog dowh. Ever since Eijaz Luqman been added into my life, everything that I take 'double dosage' before, becomes 'triple'. Everything is triple now! Thank You ALLAH for making this fun for me to treasure life. Ok, I want to write something that I thought it was worth sharing to the audience, well can I say this..mmm audience? Worth sharing? LOL

By the way, Eijaz is 1 year today. Happy birthday darling!

 

Where do I begin? You know what, sometimes I did what I thought was best...thought huh?! But normally it always turned out to something terrifically titanic, bombastic, gigantic and lastly bullshit..ooppsss mind my language. Ok, ok.. here we go;

 

There's nothing I can really say... but sorry. But I would like to repeat, when I say sorry, it doesn't mean I totally wrong here, helllooooo!! I say sorry because I chose to say it. You know something, the word "sorry" is not a sword that can kill my pride and dignity. Whereas, it is like a rocket that can take me up to the top!

 

I admit it is so hard to deal with somebody with bloated egos. They think what they do, always right and what we do, always not right to their vermillion ego eyes! Please, ego can't take you to a place called "heaven". Sooner or later, one day you will sprawl on the ground full of shit. And too bad it is your own shit not mine.

 

After what happened, starting from today onwards, I think I will give my "good" (can say this? Ok la ek) to someone who is more deserving, someone who is know how to appreciate people. I don't talk about I want something in return to what I have done to people here. Do not misunderstanding. I am talking about being grateful when ALLAH sent you someone who is willing to serve you best. That's it.

 

Some people say, forget the past. But I say, remember the past, remember all the good things people did to you and pray to ALLAH, so let Him repay all the kindness to the person who have done a lot of good things to you. Only ALLAH can do that, we can't, we can't afford it. So I concluded, there are 2 types of past, one is good and one is .. of course bad things. Forget the past, the bad things that always font 60, red color, permanent ink written on your wall of life! Slash it, erase, you do everything you could to make it dissappear. And the good things, always remember it. Make a list and if you could, patch it on your forehead. So everytime when you see yourself in the mirror, you will see it. You will remember!

 

Someone told me Nobody Is Perfect (NIP), I know it and I knew it a very long time ago. Yang perfect itu hanyalah ALLAH swt. But please don't simply use these 3 words just to do whatever you want to do. NIP is not a first class ticket for you to make mistakes. NIP also is not a perfect reason for you to take for granted on others kindness. 

 

Ok, rambling thing stops here. Semoga ALLAH swt mengampunkan segala dosa aku dan sekelian muslimin dan muslimat, Amin. 

What is behind FORGIVENESS?

I remember the song by the group One Republic, one of my fav band - Apologize. I love the melody of the song and of course when he said "now is too late to apologize..it's too late"... but when it comes to the song by Metallica - Unforgiven, it would be something different, very different. The same different is only at the situation.

Well it is just a song, when it happens in real life, it becomes other thing that we should think of (twice or thrice). To forgive people, especially when they do something that hurt you is so damn easy to do it. But when it comes to forget the horrible thing they did to you is damn uneasy thing to do it. To forget it, it needs sincerity...from the heart of course. No one knows except ALLAH.

Sometimes there's type of person when they did something bad to other people, they intend to forget it and hoping that we ignore the bad thing they did to us. How could they can behave naturally so easy like that? And tomorrow they expect we can smile and talk to them as usual. I met this group and i 'adore' how they can be like 'innocent' after what they did. Never want to say 'i am sorry for what happened, i didn't mean to  hurt you' (walaupun dalam hati sebenarnya memang sengaja nak menyakitkan hati orang atau sengaja nak tunjuk tererrrrrr) but at least say something tho!

When someone that you know do something wrong to someone else, totally wrong...please say it wrong, don't back up or please them! If you keep on doing this to him/her, he/she will never learn from the mistake. Back up thing happens if there is someone needs it when he/she being accused for something that he/she doesn't do it. Kita sebagai orang yang menyaksi kejadian, jangan bertindak di pihak yg neutral. Yang salah tetap salah dan cuba perbetulkan yang salah itu! That is how it works kan...

Seriously, i feel so boring when i see someone that i know suddenly they become 'an arrogant person'. Don't they know that one day we will be heading to the same 'place'? Don't they know that one day we will be wearing the same cloth, white cloth? ALLAH Pencipta kita pun tak sombong dengan hambaNya, Dia bagi apa yang kita doakan, hajatkan. Bila segala-galanya yang ada pada kita adalah milik ALLAH sebenarnya, so siapa kita nak sombong? Di depan ALLAH, kita semua sama, takde beza sikit pun. No matter who you are, what you are...an office boy, a clerk, a maid, a manager, engineer, lawyer...because one day when the time comes, we are all equal in front of HIM. Adoi, kenapa nak sombong? Serious aku bosan!

What is behind the word forgiveness..? When we forgive but we hardly forget! It is never too late to apologize if we speed the process of forgiveness actually. As human being, we just forgive others who-ever had made something bad to us. I know, to forget the whole thing totally, it is something that needs time. Even the scar needs time to heal and it is always a problem when the scar becomes permanent on your skin. It looks bad on you everytime you see it, and that is how it feels when someone hurt you...badly! May ALLAH forgive me for what i feel...it's been years now but still i can't forget the whole things.

Please don't blame me or others who have the same feeling, because i know one thing...that i am not a perfect person and there's a lot of things that need to be learned. I can't behave naturally when something abnormal happens to me and it needs time for me to tune back as normal, please understand the emotion and the situation.

Are those words a good start for year 2013? I just laugh and simply don't have answer for this simple question.

:: If you dare, everything is possible! ::

I believe something that takes a lot of energy, both physically and mentally can churn out something remarkable, it is like you are crawling the stairs at first to reach the top but later on you find it, Oo..it is just like an escalator to a success actually. Pray, make effort, and wa tawakkulan alaih (dan bertawakal denganNya). And not to forget, do it sincerely, InshaALLAH, there is must be something better awaits you later!

Last two years, i was a bit stress on how to do toilet train for my son. He and diapers just like the wave and the beach, cannot be apart at all! Some people said, it would be easy to start toilet train when your kids start talking (but the problem is, Zafran, that time he doesn't know yet how to talk back to me when i talk to him and some more he is lisp). So, i waited until he is 3 years old and still, he doesn't talk in proper sentence and most of the time he sounds like a little 'hitler' standing in front of people giving speech! I tried not to put on him diapers one day, then he cried like a child that being abused by the irresponsible parents jek. Sedih tengok dia macam tu, then Muazzam said "Maybe he's not yet ready la, just put on the diapers back, one day when he's ready, he knows what to do"

Ok! At least i feel so relieved when I got full support from Muazzam!

16 July 2011 the date when Zafran turns 4. I begin to ask myself everyday, "Ya ALLAH, bila aku nak start toilet train Zafran ni?" plus questions from the third party, "still on diapers?" (o my!) I know the reaction from others when i said 'Yes'. But nevermind, i am used to the situation which required me to hold patience till my last breath! (phewww...kelas kauu!)

So, i just wait and see and in the meantime i started to google in the internet how to commence this. And still i don't have the courage to start it, or would that be one word made of iron that hanging on my head iaitu MALAS!

October comes with the same big question on my head "bila nak start ni?". So one day i started to think, no matter what, i have to start this, because who else will start it for me? No one! So, I talked to Zafran why he needs to take off diapers and stop wearing it (i know he doesn't want to know about it and he doesn't care much what i am saying! the way he looks at me and thinks - mama aku ni merapu apa la agaknya?). I keep on telling him and the feedback i get from him is always 'no, no, no'. One morning, i just forget the whole negative things, i bathed him and get him dressed without diapers, then he cried very very very loud. Mengamuk! Sayang betul dia dekat lampin pakai buang!

Finally after 4 months toilet trained, bingo! Alhamdulillah, he now can tell me when to pee and to poop! Thank you ALLAH. I still remember during the process, i can't stop my mouth from saying this "zafran, do you want to pee or not? Don't pee your pants ok..." and it keeps on repeating from morning till night, 3 weeks babe, everyday babe! Accidents did happen, 5 times - on the floor 3 times, on bed 1 and on the couch 1. I maybe so tired during the time but it paid off! I am proud of myself and proud of Zafran too. It is not easy to change Zafran's mindset but i made it. I remember what ALLAH said in Holy Al-Quran and it is true - "And that man hath only that for which he maketh effort, And that his effort will be seen" Surah An-Najm, 39.

Mission impossible-toilet train-completed! (there is no mission impossible, but there is.. when the word 'impossible' conquers you all!)

"It is possible to get there, if you dare!"

:: My Litte Caliph Goes To School! ::

How time flies, today Zafran first day as a preschooler. Alhamdulillah. I woke up at 6am and ran to the kitchen to make fried rice - one of Zafran fav. With flowers in my heart and smile on my face, and my head non stop thinking of a lot of things about Zafran first day to school! But there is one big question chiselled boldly in my head  - "how would it be in school later?!" Ya ALLAH, make it easy for us and also for Zafran and all the teachers, amin.

At 7am, my husband, tried to bathe him, then there go a 'heavydrama' scene, scene after scene and scene after scene. To make it short, see below for the chronology of the event:

Mandi - nangis

Pakai underwear - nangis

Pakai uniform - nangis

Suruh breakfast - nangis

and to make it simple and short, semuanya bermula dengan huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...........!! Then i have created one blog special for Zafran. When you grow up, i want you to read it page by page ok dear! This is one of the best experience that mama and ayah have been through since ALLAH gives you to us.

This is the blog:

http://zafranmilestone.blogspot.com

Enjoy reading!

:: On The Table ::

Last saturday I went to Solaris Dutamas with my in laws, first time went there. Like entering the door to another planet jek! MashaALLAH...cantik area tu. Dahhh...mula la aku buat jakun di situ!

I went there to celebrate my mother in law's birthday which falls on 28 December. Happy birthday mama! I love you.

Thank you Doctor Naught for paying the bill! May ALLAH shower you with many blessings and a non stop rezeki and nikmat, amin.

On The Table - the name of the place we were having the celebration. The restaurant belongs to Chef Wan's son, Chef Riz who is currently one of the judges for MasterChef Malaysia reality program aired on astro. (Am i doing a promotion for on behalf or what? hehehe). It is located at the building called Publika. Tapi char kuey teow dia sedap sangat! Dalam banyak2 menu, char kuey teow jugak yang aku order! Goreng sendiri boleh?

Muazzam had a Silver Cod served with couscous, one of the healthiest grain-based products. Sedap jugak, rasa macam cheese. But i voted for my char kuey teow jugak, sedap tau! Tak habis-habis dengan kuey teow aku hahahaaha. My sister in laws had Lamb on the rack (i didn't remember the correct name!) and Spaghetti Bolognese. I ordered a big chicken burger for Zafran and Lydia, very big i tell you. Tapi ada ke diaorang tak nak makan? Ish ish ish... Then my sis in law's maid (Epi), she had a special fried rice, served with chicken curry, sambal belacan and some fish crackers. It looks tasty but i still want to mention my delicious char kuey teow jugak hahaahaha! Suddenly Zafran pointing at the crackers "mama nak kupum" Kupum is that fish crackers, kelakar tak? Mana la datangnya kupum tu Zafran oii!! Mama order burger sedap dekat Zafran, kupum jugak yang Zafran nak... then i asked for permission from the maid to take one piece of the kupum. She said ok. And then suddenly Lydia also pointing at the kupum, "mama, nak nak" Tebal jugak muka aku nak mintak dekat maid adik ipar aku tu. Lepas tu Zafran pulak nak lagi, then Lydia pulak nak lagi... kesian aku tengok muka Epi, i knew that she likes that crackers very much too, i can see it!

I called the waiter for the sake of Zafran and Lydia, "can i have the crackers that you served with the fried rice just now, my kids really loves it". The waiter came with a bowl of that kupum, then Epi nak jugak kupum tu, almaklum kupum dia habis anak-anak aku kerjakan hahahaaha, kesian Epi. Then habis jugak satu mangkuk tu, then aku kena buat muka kupum mintak lagi dekat waiter tu! Anyway good service, all the staff..they are so friendly. I give 4 star out of 5!

Ok, got to go! Tata..

:: Anecdote about Know-all & Know-how ::

I make no claim to be a paragon. But I can't sit my butt peacefully if i see somebody is trying to show the world that they are so important and knowledgeable, and treat like other people useless and stupid. I can't stand to see somebody is trying to prove the world that they are so good, and treat like other people don't, i use the perfect word - bad!

I make no claim to be a paragon. But I can't sit over the rocking chair singing 'someone like you by adele, pretending that i don't see or hear anything and yet when i log in to my social web there are group of people grouching about how much they concern about other people problems, whereas they don't realize they actually have problems!

I make no claim to be a paragon. But i can't stand to witness those 'know-all' and know-how group' are faking themselves, which the status written on the square white screen and the small piece of heart are not parallel to each other. To make it comprehensible, they write because of one's attention, they are not really on the genuine motives. They write and they like about what they write and hoping there is somebody to like and comment and share. They write because they think what they write is good to human whereas they consider what other people write is not good and they become paranoid what other people write because 'this' other people don't write like they write. I give example down (to earth) here:

1. When other people wrote : "Today i managed to complete my tasks list which one of them is to watch my favourite twillight sequel - Breaking Dawn, guess what, I did it!! Yes! Yes!! Best sangat movie tu! I love Bella's wedding dress, could that be the dress by Monique Lhullier?"

2. and Know-all and Know-how wrote : "Today i managed to complete recitation of Surah Al-Baqarah, alhamdulillah. A lot of things i learned from the tafsiran of the Surah. Best sangat! Jom la kita sama-sama membaca kalamullah. Apalah sangat menghafal jalan cerita twillight tu, baik pegi berzikir/mengaji. Breaking dawn takkan dapat membantu kita di akhirat kelak"

See the diff up there. Enough said. What they write is good but through my 'rolling' eyes right now, can i say this - Can you stop always being so judgemental towards other people? Do you think you good enough when you write something good like that? Who knows? Maybe the tasks list belongs to other people could be 9 out of 10, they had put their head on the ground for ALLAH? And left another 1 for Breaking Dawn where they watched it, could be with their husbands, parents, siblings and relatives?!

I have a simple question - What is sincere? Sincere - when you do something good, you hide it from others, hoping that ALLAH will see, accept and bless it. It's totally between you and ALLAH. We do something good only for ALLAH to judge it not human. Itulah ikhlas. I accept all good things done by the human and believe all good things that sincerely done, pasti ada ganjarannya dari ALLAH. We don't know this, only ALLAH knows everything. Respect other people the way of living, if you want others to respect yours. Tegur dengan cara yang paling baik, paling berhemah bukan dengan sindiran/perlian(ada ke word perlian dlm kamus?). Don't treat other people like they don't want to go to Jannah, like they don't know to differentiate what is good or what is bad for living, like they don't know how to feel grateful and lastly don't feel like you are 'know-all and know-how' type of person only after you have read thousand of ilmiah books. If your admonition caused a major pain to other people, it means - you have to look at yourself instead of saying "i have done my part, it is up to you to accept it or not".

Hati manusia yang telah kau sakitkan itu memerlukan masa untuk pulih dan ianya tidak cukup untuk memulihkannya hanya dengan berkata 'maaf'. Oleh itu berpada-padalah dalam membuat teguran sesama manusia tidak kira apa niat kamu sekalipun. Pernahkah kamu terfikir, mungkin orang yang kamu tegur itu mempunyai seratus kebaikan yang ada pada dirinya tapi tidak ada pada dirimu? Pernahkah kamu terfikir, mungkin kamu tidak pernah nampak dia bersolat dhuha tapi pada malam harinya dia sentiasa bertahajjud, berzikrullah dan hatinya tidak pernah lari dari memikirkan mati dan takutkan ALLAH?

O ALLAH, are they right or my feeling about this is not right? If my feeling about this is not right, is sinful, please vanish it, amin.

Continue reading:

I make no claim to be a paragon. But I too want to go to Jannatul Na'iim, in fact i wanna go the highest Jannah - Jannatul Firdaus but because i make no claim to be a paragon, i know i am not qualified to be one of the member. I pray to ALLAH, i really wanna go to your Jannah, make it the last in the list of Jannah - Darul Khuldi, it is enough for me but i know it is all only in my pray and request because i know i am not even deserved Your Darul Khuldi. O ALLAH, only You know where is my right place there but please i am so frightened of Your Jahannam, Jahiim, Hawiyah, Wail, Sa'iir, Ladhaa, Sakar and Hutomah. Amin.

:: Love isn't called Love... ::

Love isn't called a love until you feel the pain and you cry over it sometimes/not always. Love isn't called a love until you feel the hurt and you weep over it sometimes/not everyday. Love isn't called a love until you give it away to someone that you think deserve your love.

Love is a big word and the definition of love could be different if you ask 10 persons, they won't give you the same meaning on what love is. So, love is something subjective but I believe it is always an attractive subject!

Love is uneasy thing but it becomes so so easy to say it like - 'Hey, i love you' - 'i am in love with you' - 'because i love you', and yet that excludes a sonnet, a poem, a song about love for him/her, plus love letters, MashaALLAH...hebatnya cinta ni ek! SubhanALLAH, hebatnya perasaan ini, satu perasaan yang maha hebat yang diberikan kepada kita oleh DIA. It is just a '3 word' but it means a lot to him and to her and it automatically changes someone's life into heaven. And love is a bitter thing when there is love-less!

Love is a pure thing, and it becomes a noble thing for a noble person who knows how to love each other in the right rules. Love is a heavenly thing that is given by Him. So the main point here, ALLAH gives you love, you accept, appreciate and respect it. Fall in love - it is a human natural tendency and i have been in that place before and it was fantastic. And now i still feel the love, the same love that i first felt it when i saw him. Alhamdulillah...


So, finally there is a contest here, how many 'love' word up here? The first person guess the right answer will stand a chance to win a ----- (fill in the blank yourself, name it, anything you want but you have to buy it yourself!) Lawak tak?

O ALLAH, I love you!

:: A Piece Of Peace... ::

September means a lot to me. My birthday falls in September and also my hubby's birthday...isn't that fated to be togetherrrr for the rest of our life? Hahaha.... I spent about a week in my mother in law's 'heaven' because Muazzam, he has training somewhere in PJ.

Yesterday I went to Debenhams, fuhh...I was crazy like sh*t to see those numbers - 50%, 70%!! hanging closed to me everywhere I go. And ended up with a white gown for (me...hehehehe) excuse me, for my princess Lydia. I couldn't imagine if i was the one who will be wearing a white gown like that. Shoot... sure cute macam princess in fairytale stories (could that be Cinderella?! tak rela youuuuuu) hahahaha!

Gimme a piece of (not sh*t ok?!) peace in my mind and soul... i got headache to see some people so easy treating other people like they are no senses at all! That person also need a piece of peace in their life, for god sake! I am sighing the moment i see those things keep on repeating in front of my two limpid eyes (shoot, limpid tuu...) While mumbling this, my ears are listening to this lovely song ~Soledad~ by westlife, the group i was crazy about when i was young (well heck, i am not that old as you think hahaha) I still remember last time, when i was in training for grooming skill, the facilitator told me "the older you get, the wiser you are". I am not sure about this, but to me..it is something i must say 'aha...she is damn right, because i feel like one now' (Haaachummm!Excuse me, i am sneezing, it is not like i am sitting in a cold room... It is normal tho...everytime i say something like this to myself, my nose will first react hahahaahachummmmm again?)

I don't know what to say, but for me, like you want yourself to be in comfort zone sometimes (all the time), i guess so do the people around you, sometimes they need it too and please do comprehend them! There are people devoting themselves a lifetime to the loved ones and sadly, there are people taking a full advantage on this to ease their pain. Being stoical person, sometimes it can kill you softly in silence. It is ok for letting people know that you are hurt and suffered for what they did to you. We are humanbeing and it is normal to show others how we are suffering from something that we can't hide it anymore. When the time that we can't endure the long suffer with stoicism anymore, then let it out! Isshhh.. i need something to lower level of chemicals that relay pain in my body, because i can't stand to see those things! Ya ALLAH, please help...

We have so many choices right in front of our eyes and yet we choose to be in stoicism. What can i say more? But i know we can't simply sit stolid and silent to see other person is suffering from something that we know we can lend our hands and hearts to relieve it. Help them because of ALLAH swt. But will they changed one day? Hopefully. Like ALLAH swt said in beautiful Al-Quran : ALLAH sesekali tidak akan mengubah nasib seseorang sehinggalah mereka mengubah nasib mereka sendiri - Surah An Anfal, 53.

Till then, i pen off now. Got to go because Zafran is calling me "mama, jom la makan!". Ok jom baby!

:: Knock knock, Mr. Syawal is on his way! ::

This gonna be my 4th Syawal without abah and mak, sedihnya... When syawal comes, i definitely will reminisce all sweet raya moments when i was with them. "Tay cepat mandi, tolong mak hidang biskut raya...kejap lagi abah pergi sembahyang raya, balik karang kawan2 masjid dia mesti nak terus beraya rumah ni. Tak siap hidang karang, abah awak tu bising..." Then i answered "Awal lagi la mak, ha'ah la mak ek, abah tu pagi raya mesti kepoh, bising sekali...tiap-tiap kali pagi raya mesti nak bising-bising, kenapa arr mak? Orang relax arr..." Mak answered with her hand busy stiring the rendang "Dah perangai abah awak memang begitu tiap pagi raya kalau kita lambat hidang, cuba semua dah hidang, tersengih-sengih sampai ke telinga dia" And now, i do miss abah punya bising-bising tu...really miss his smiley face..really miss all of it. Then really miss my mak's instruction early raya morning. Ishh.. my tears streaked my face already...

A must have menu during first raya when i was with them :

1. Nasi Hujan Panas
2. Ayam Masak Merah
3. Rendang Daging
4. Lemang

Type of kuih which my mak always prepared during raya :

1. Kuih gunting
2. Kuih siput
3. Maruku

I try not to drool on it, but it is something impossible to do so. Everytime  when i think of it, sure terliur dan sedih. Because i won't be able to get the chance anymore. Air tangan mak lain dengan air tangan aku... lain betul rasa (walaupun sedap aku masak tapi tetap tak sama like my mak) Sempat pulak aku puji diri sendiri dalam sedih2!

Evergreen script by mak when she talked about her kuih - "kuih aku jugak yang korang sedap makan, telan... kuih yang korang beli apa ke nama london almond, love chocolate apa entah...bukannya sedap mana. Kuih aku jugak yang korang telan berbalang-balang" 

Mak..apa yang mak cakap tu semuanya betul, now orang rindu gila nak makan kuih2 tradisional mak tu! Kalau buat sendiri tak sama rasa, kalau beli lagi la tak sama rasanya mak... Ya ALLAH Ya Khabir... I miss my mom so much...

Back to abah's story celebrating Syawal, famous quote by him - "Cantik tak tay, baju melayu baru abah? Mesti la cantik...tengok smart je abah pakai" sendiri tanya sendiri jawab ye abah! Terbayang-bayang abah senyum depan cermin dengan baju melayu baru. Ya ALLAH Ya Khabir... I really miss my abah...

And raya without abah and mak, it will never be the same like before. There is always a huge square box of emptiness in my soul and my heart... although i am happy with my family. Hanya ALLAH saja yang tahu. Ok, don't be sad... I don't wanna be sad, but i am sad..because today is my abah's birthday... orang hadiahkan Al Fatihah untuk abah banyak-banyak!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Minal Aidil Wal Fa Izin

Maaf, Zahir dan Batin semua!

:: Hello..My Love! ::

Mmmm... suddenly i am sighing... my SKII facial treatment essence will be soon finished, just in a day. I am kinda person who never glued to the one and only brand skin care product. But so far SKII is the best. I am kinda person who always wanna try new things especially when it comes to skin care, foundation(yes!!), lipstick(of courseeee..), mascara (o yeahhh), eyebrow pencil(ooo yeehaa) and blusher(OMyC!). Those 5 things are so meaningful to me.

1. So far the blusher, it is a must for me - O My Chanel, no.45 Poesie. If not MAC mineralize blush - Dainty also works for me.
2. For Foundation (i hope i can build a charity foundation one day, but so far i can only afford foundation for my face << please laugh, because this is a joke ok!) But i always have that dream (seriously ok..) For foundation i would love Giorgio Armani, Luminious Silk Foundation. It is so smooth, fine texture and you can layer on your face again and again just like how you make layer cakes. And the result is so superb, it is still look natural on your face after so many layers. Another good foundation is by MAC, full coverage foundation and of course blend it with strobe cream hydratant also by MAC.
3. For skin care example, i can't never live without the cleanser and moisturiser. If possible i avoid the toner but sometimes i did use it, i just couldn't help to see it queue on my desk just like that. Ok..ok...i can't never stop talking about those things! Stop it now okeyyyy...

Last time i have blogged about a topic on 'noble transformation'. It was about how we want to change ourselves to be someone better. I think it should be slowly on how to do it rather than drastically changed yourself to a person that suddenly people surrounding you started to question the sincerity of being someone new although sometimes it has a good attention at our side. Are they really changed for good or just to show off or maybe tend to be just a follower, loyal to the group that they hook, which they claimed good for them? For me, whatever we do to be a better person or to be the best among others, make it between you and Him.

Sometimes i have been asking myself, am i wrong or that/this person is wrong? I just don't know. But again, i am not the person who can judge people. Only Him can judge over everything in this world because He is Al-Hakam. As we all know, human is a very little, small, tiny creature who weak, dirty and disdainful (that's me) always want to judge human, one another (that's me too), the biggest shortcoming we have without realizing, it will guide us to the river of negatives attitude and slowly drown us.

Ramadhan is just around the corner. Hello..my love! Can't wait to meet you.

Ya ALLAH, jadikan aku hambaMu yang sentiasa istiqomah dalam melakukan ibadah kepadaMu, Amin...

:: Firework ::

O i miss my blog.... it's already June and i am in Rejab. Bila la nak puasa Rejab ni? While blogging this, Muazzam is in Tokyo, Japan for work (bluwekkk...jeles aku!). My message for him - buy me a samurai shirt okeyy... When he was in Shanghai last month, my message didn't reach him clearly i guess, to get me a decorative plate, but he bought me chinese tea (takde barang lain ke? hahaha) But i know he went there for work not for pleasure!

Ok, when Muazzam was not home.....(yahoooooo!) I went to several places;

Burberry Counter
Etude House
Shizens
Dior

omg! i really love burberry lipstick, the case especially. So elegant and it looks so damn exclusive! And i also like the pattern on the lipstick itself, it makes me so sayang nak pakai (pulak dahhh..!)

the thing is that, i can't get korean stuff out from my head right after i watched winter sonata, the korean drama series back then (fgs! it's been almost 10 years now babe..) So, i went to etude house, i just loved the eyebrow pencil, it works nice on my eyebrow, so smooth and the color also perfect on me. I also loved the design of the pencil, so easy to apply.

...again korean stuff. i went to shizens, to get the magic lipstick but unfortunately it was out of stock (i was frustrated, i feel like to scream 'whattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt out of stock???) And then the sales person did a promotion on shizens mascara n eye charm. 'why not you try first, you have nice eye lashes' (ini nak suruh aku beli la ni, puji bagai) but then i just let her tried on my lashes selepas kena puji. I tell you...it was something miraculous happened. And the girl said to me 'now you looked like korean already!' Ok, no more compliment i just couldn't stand it, 'ok i take this and this'. I bought the mascara and the eye charm. Ya ALLAH, habis duit aku di situ! And then the girl said to me 'miss, you want to try our compact powder, 2 in 1'. I said i was quite in hurry, but my heart said 'ok put it on'. Shoott... They are just magic... my face looked flawless and of course - 'now you looked like korean actress already!' (hahahahaha i make up this sentence myself) Ok i will get it next time...... Shizens you just stay there and wait for me to come.

Smell like a Miss Dior Cherie here... yes! yes! yes! I got it babe! Together with the diorific must have lipstick - Ocre Chic, one of my favourite color ever. Dior is always gonna be my favourite since i was 19. When i got my first salary, i went straight to Dior just to get a lipstick and a compact powder. That night i slept with them. Crazy! I can't even imagine my feeling right now, when all of these lying in my make up pouch. I feel like a firework! Fly high to the sky and sparks the night with beautiful light and color.

My next item to grab (it is in my wishlist btw...anyway my wishlist..they are never going to decrease tho) - Guilty by Gucci....wait for momma dear, momma is going to take you home baby..

Ok i am done ramblings!

:: Is your First love, your True Love? ::

I was sprawled on the living room couch watching my favourite, encore - Glee while Zafran and Lydia landed safely on their bed. Zafran he is in the process of building a sentence with his own words. So cute when one day he said to me "Timekasih mama" after i gave him a glass of water. I scribble down some beautiful sentences by Zafran:

"Mama, jom la matok, tido jom" (while i was busy with my so called 'job', he came and asked me to go to the bedroom and sleep)

"Mama, tak mau pakai ni, tak mau baju ngantok" (after i bathed him at 6pm i thot i wanna put on him nightdress/baju tidur. Macam mana boleh jadi baju ngantok zafran...? Baju tidur la sayang...)

"Mama, tengok tu, Dia tido kusi" (He told me that Lydia slept on the sofa)

"Mama, comelnya.." (He compliment the new shirt that i bought for him)

So cute when Zafran is starting to say something in his own way. Precious moment in my life to witness the step by step process of my kids. Lydia...mmm...she is in the same process, when one day i heard voices, exactly like a giant turkey bickering with each other. Could that be Lydia? Oh no... !

After finished with the Glee, I was thinking to watch again oopppsss.. Winter Sonata, So I chose one of the episode that really turned me like a maniac and half concious everytime i watched it last time. Episode 3 - where the first time U-jinn met Jun Sang after ten years of separation. Fuhh.. they are so loyal to each other... is this kind of love exist in the real life?

I didn't recall when my first love was (chewahhhh). Hell no, i wasn't a type of easy to crush on a man (boleh ke aku sendiri percaya dengan statement ni hahaha). During school times, i was a school prefect, you know school prefect... they have to act they are perfect (anyway i am not supposed to say this, it is all about role and responsibility huh!) Well, i have a man in my dream during that uniform times, but i guess it was something normal to have that kind of feeling for a plain jane kid like me that time.

Back to the question above, my answer is NO. My true love is always and only for Him. I know some of us may have experienced this situation before. First love is like a home where the heart is always belong. For me it is not a true love, it is something unforgettable--that's what first love is. Sometimes when we are alone, then we start to reminisce the picture perfect memories when we first time getting to know the feeling of being loved by someone. That's the truth. I see many of them including my friends are so happy with their second, third or maybe fourth love sekalipun....alhamdulillah. So obviously first love - is not a 'measuring tape' of happiness to someone's life. It is just a sticky thing that cannot be erased from our mind but it can be vanished if we know our direction/objective in our lives.

The day i lost my loved ones, i really feel something pervades in my soul. That was the day i have falling in love with Him, that was my love at first sight. All this while, i have been so blind until i couldn't see Him who always there for me through bitter and sweet, happy and sad moments in my life. Ya Ghaffar, ampunkan aku yang serba kekurangan ini! Thank you for making eyes opened widely to see the power of Your beautiful love....

:: True Friend ::

What true friend means to you?

What true friend means to me...? These two words are so big to me. It can be seen in broaden perspectives by certain people and also it depends to the person to define it. By definition, to me, a true friend is a combination of two words - honest and trust. Let me peel this two words.

Firstly, being able to have profound attachment towards each other. Meaning, when they need a shoulder to cry on, we are there to lend them our shoulder, we are there to feel their feelings. When they are sad, we are sad too. When they are happy, we are happy too. Being able to be a blanket/comforter, whenever they are cold, we are there to warm them (Do not get wrong interpretation on my last sentence aha!).

Secondly, being able to be a good listener. When they have problems and would like to share with you, we are there to listen. Listen with open heart not only ears. Because sometimes there is a friend, they just listen, but not sincerely listen with their heart.

Thirdly, being able to be someone that you can trust. When they share with you something so called 'private and confidential' things, we are there to keep it safely to ourselves. Sometimes, human they are so weak, sometimes they can't simply bear all the burdens alone and when they have something heavy on their head, they just want to let it out to ease the pain and there go,, they called a friend. And as true friend, they will not share the p&c things to someone else, not even to their loved ones and not even slip of the tongue!

Those 3 points playing an important role to me. If one of them, is not applied to you, then i guess i should drop the word 'true' in front, so it becomes just 'friend'. Because the word friend it is just like other words, it means something to some of you but it is not deep to me. We are imperfect, so we do make mistake. But at least before we do something we should have thought at least 'what are the consequences if we do it?' Use your brain to think, not your head!

There are some people out there want to become someone likeable by all, so they just do something stupid, which unfortunately they think they have done something brilliant to other people. They attract people surrounding by giving some information that they should have not shared it. By doing that, they think they can make people stay and keep on coming back to them for more information. They treat their true friend like other friends. What i mean here, they don't know how to differentiate between true friend and just friend. I believe this kinda person, they don't have a friend that close at heart.

Two more things, i wonder why is that some people can be so like a long coarse grass..., you know...where it follows where the wind blow. They don't have principle in their lives, no direction. They just shrug and nod their heads to something and then they just agree to it. Walaupun dalam hati dia sendiri disagree with the points. I see this people and i say to myself "poor they". And the second one; I still wonder why some people so easily can be a gossip digger, a so called uncertified journalist. But it is ok, what goes around, comes around... one day, it will be your turn to pose at the 360 deg photoshop macam dekat grammy award!

No matter what, harlequin life goes on...everyday we are given a chance to meet many kind of people in our lives, just say hello and smile to them! Pahala pun dapat...

:: A Sonnet About Never Mind ::

My palms are coarse

My fingers are crease and callous

You know why?

This is the result of decades of house chores, but

Never mind....everything i do, i do it for us

Sometimes when you get home

You see my face oily and clammy

You know why?

This is the result of daily of house chores, but

Never mind...everything i do, i do it for love

Although sometimes what we wish for

What we dream about

They seem will never come true, but again

Never mind, as long as we are happy, enough for me! :D

Happy 12th anniversary dear! Alhamdulillah.. thank you ALLAH.

:: Dilapidated Masterpiece ::

Anhyoung haseyo! Junsang ar.. hehehe

Zafran had spilled his drink again. Yesterday he did. Again, a day before yesterday he did. I did calculate, a day he spilt at least 3 times. And then, it was not end there... followed by Lydia. She did the same thing. 2 hours after Zafran's turn, then she takes turn. Fuhh...I am not gonna reveal how many times Lydia spills something on the floor. All i know, she is the winner!!

Muazzam came back from work with balloon set in his hand, the colorful balloons and the pump. He learned from the youtube how to make a balloon animal., a giraffe for a start. Wow it was so interesting moment when i looked at Zafran and Lydia, they seemed crazy over it. When they get bored with the balloons then they wanted to play with the.....................................PUMP. Siap nangis-nangis berebut kan pump tu. Geram aku! Then aku geram sangat, aku bagi pump basikal Muazzam dekat Lydia. Terus dia diam nangis. Hehehe problem solved! Then i thought the problem is solved, 30 minutes after that, i heard Lydia was crying. It turned out Zafran took the bicycle pump from her. Then i said to Zafran, 'exchange please...give your sister the balloon pump'. Zafran refused to do it, both pumps in his hands. Then..[light bulbbbb...!] i gave Lydia the ball pump (now i realized that we have so many pumps in the house rupanya). Lydia immediately stopped crying. Then I saw Zafran's eye balls seemed rolling. I said to him - 'don't you ever think about it!'

There go a story about my two lil precious!

Now i am thinking of my so called 'Shakespeare and Picasso' masterpiece (lol!). Last nite i looked at my dilapidated drive. I must finish it. It's been 3 years now babe! Go! Go! Aja aja fighting!!! Nobody heard of my soliloquy that nite except for Lydia. Nevermind she didn't comprehend anyway. But she looked at me with her dilated eyes. Something that i must finish, i put the dateline, say by middle of this year i must finish it (Actually it was like this years before but it is still the same) hehehe Oh gosh i need to finish it! The person in the image up there also encourage me to finish it, he said 'Sarangheyo.. aja aja fighting!' hahahahaha (in my dream, a dream that will never come true)

Well, i don't really know what to say on what i am facing right now. I hope 2011 gonna bring more good things in my life, but what i observe now, it turns to something that i don't wish for. But it is ok, I have HIM. Discovering that sometimes our own flesh and blood hasn't been clicked to what you have hoped for. Somebody has been pulling on our legs that easy and we just let them keep on pulling. Where is faith? Where is dignity? Where is principle? This is what happened when money can buy everything, the same connotation that i used to hear again and again. So sad. I am truly sad with what happened now. I must stick to decision that i have made and be strong physically and emotionally and get ready to fight! Allahuakbar

Sometimes some people around you love to see you prostrated on the ground because of the untrue story they made for you. They are not trying to douse the flame but they love to treat the flame with oil! They love to see you burnt. Some people would love to hear untrue things than the truth. Some people would love to hear from the liar than the person that they have known for years, from the people that they claimed as flesh and blood or maybe a best friend. Some people would love to see you weep in the dark room, then you feel like suffocated and die alone... Is this what they really want? Sometimes we simply believed that a person that closed to us, whom you think you could share your thoughts and feelings, whom you think could understand you.... out of sudden, actually they were not like what you thought. When the trust has been betrayed, there is no more left for the person.

I just met this type of people. It turned out they are just sitting next right to me and i don't realize it at all, all this while?! I am sighing... anyway stop whining, it is not good and won't do any good to you. HE loves me then HE tested me with this. I redha.

Ok, i am done talking. Hoping there will be more more more happy days still ahead for our life!

:: Chilling Portraits Of The Life ::

I used to be a diffident person. Sometimes i seem baffled at my own decision, thought and could be anything that comes along my way. I don't have that audacity to share my perspectives with others, I would rather to keep it safely inside than throw it out. Well, this is not i am gonna talk long about because i have changed now! Big changed! ;)

Today l learned spanish language through online. It was so fun. Last month i was crazy over korean language until i can speak a little in korean. Mianhanda, Saranghanda... don't you think it is cute? (the only words that really easy to remember hehehehe) I love to learn foreign language but it is not serious. Muazzam encourages me to learn arabic and i almost taking the course in Islamic International University back then. But it was only a dream...and i have big dream that comes true in my life after that >> Zafran and Lydia, i love you both. And momma would like to reiterate, I love you, I love you, I love youuu muahhhhhh!!

As 2010 comes close to the end, there is a huge question mark on my head - What have i done good for the past 365 days? Half of myself feels the best way not think on this, because the more i think of it, the more i couldn't find one hahahahaha! Come on.... it couldn't be it. I am not an evil person thou....lol!

I had a good year of myself. Being a stay home mom, with two little cuties, am busy with them 24/7, every beat of my heart is praying for them...what else? I am not gonna alphabetize it, but when all four lines up here rolled into one, enough said that my past 365 days were very meaningful and indeed indescribable by feeling or word.. Alhamdulillah, thank you ALLAH.

2010 - four numbers in one line that full of beautiful anecdotes/tests for some people. I have accepted those with open heart and mind thinking that HE loves me more by giving such another great year. 2010 witnessed how a woman's heart cumbled and crumpled because of something unpredictable. 2010 seen how a friendship stayed strong despite the 'juicy gossips'. 2010 it was like a juice mixer for me. Nice juice it depends on how you mix it. If you mix apple with carrot, and definitely the taste is slightly different already. With the different taste, could be you like it or not, you have to take it if you have no choice. If you do have choice, it is so simple - you throw the not so nice one and do another one. Life is more juicier, if you know how to make a nice juice with an effervescent of happiness. Try to mix apple with strawberry.... the taste will be wowww......and when you drink it, it seeps down your throat and soul (O-o..i think i started to ramble here).

Since i started with some rambles, let me end something also with some rambles. When your life is full of chilling portraits, you are definitely feel chillax and love your life up to the max. You don't have to have talent or special skill to churn out chilling portraits of your life. The most important thing is believing in yourself, confident and try harder to make your life beautiful and seeing it with your two eyes, by your own perspective without comparing with others.

Ok chow...