:: A Hundred Metres Of Love ::

Hundred metres of love, can i have this?

No.

Why?

Because love is immeasurable.

What if it is measurable?

Trust me, it wouldn't have been enough!

Laughter echoes the living room. It is so good to see Zafran and Lydia playing together. As if I see true happiness that never seems to fade away. Through their eyes, I see the devotion of his love made exclusively for me. While wolfing down Pecan Butterscotch, well it is scrumptious and the taste is good as its sound, i just enjoy watching them playing and laughing. Zafran kuat betul menyakat adik dia (Muazzam said "i don't see that strange to me, he just inherited that skill from you). Why am i to blame on this?

Some gibberish may start in a minute. That's how it works, i mean that's how the life works, my life. I enjoy doing doodling things on this white, clean surface.

I read some where about the hostility factor. According to the research, as you grow older, should be the less hostile you are. Hostility can lead to heart disease. So to those whose bad temper, always in anger, unfriendly or aggressive feelings/behaviour - better stop it! At least you are one step away from getting the disease. You got nothing to lose if you change it for good. Maybe some people can change, well some people maybe not change, up until his/her dying day.

Not surprisingly, if i say there is a group of people who lives in this 'disease' zone and i witness them for years and it seems they just comfortable with it. In another words of saying - never change...at all, in fact it is getting worst. As if they are twisting their own head. I am imperfect either... but i'm not gonna twist my own head thou! I concluded - Life is about making choices, so you choose, then you live with it.

I am not messing with them, so i don't see that's my problem. But if you think you've only got seconds in life to change, then change it. Remember: Life is short. So live your life as nice as Butter Short Bread!

Zafran and Lydia still playing and i still typing some rambles. When i see both of them, there is something that i won't forget. Though it happened a few years ago but the memory is still fresh as a slap across the face. I thought it was something so easy to dispose, but it wasn't. I can't forget those. Bad memories should be treated like a trash and goshhhh.. why i still wanna keep it?

What we should do to something that seems to have governed our life for years? Bad memories example. Bad memories that seems to have chiselled boldly on your mind and would make your hair at the back of the neck stand up everytime the ghost of it haunted you. I don't want to think, sometimes the just show up in front of the door knocking and i don't think i remember sending them an invitation!

:: La tahzan... ::

Zalina ~ La tahzan... My condolences to you and the rest of the family. I know how you feel at this moment. I feel it. I feel it before and until now it is still.

I burst into tears when i got message from a bosom friend of mine SPL, texting that Zalina's father passed away last Tuesday, it was mid night. I was so emotional, I sat on the couch silently and that time my parents face that first came to mind. How i miss them so much, no one can tell.

Zalina ~ I still taste the pain. I know you taste it too. You have once told me about the intimacy between children and their parents. And i remember i blogged about it. It was in 2005 if i am not mistaken. Because of your words, i changed my perception about the relationship between the parents and the daughter. I didn't feel ashame to hug, to kiss, to hold them... and I remember a week before my father passed away, he came to me and asked me to hold his hands. And i hold it, rubbed it... i should have done it long time ago for many times, every second, every day...i whispered to myself that time. Turned out it was the last time i was able to hold his hands.

Zalina ~ Again, La tahzan, don't be sad... ingat ALLAH each second of our life because we belong to Him. If He wanted something to happen, then it happens. Kita sebagai hambaNya kena redha.

Al Fatihah untuk arwah Abah, Mak and Ayah Ngah.

:: Just Because.... ::

Just because someone is repenting for his/her mistake, it doesn't change the past
Just because someone is weeping on his/her wrongdoing, it doesn't change the past
Just because someone is asking for an apology, still... it doesn't change the past

Yes... it doesn't change the past at all. It is like it's being fine tuned in the mind, buried in the heart. A gigantic pain in the soul, an inexplicably poignant feeling inside. It's all about the past that changed some people's life. Actually the past, something i would say it is uneconomic matters that we must drop it out from the budget breakdown. But it is uneasy like sipping a cup of delicious coffee from Coffee Bean though! In fact, i sometimes feel, it's getting worse when it started dwells inside you.

I was trapped in this situation before, but i managed to get away of it 95%. And turned out, it wasn't easy to totally kill the past. At first, I found that it was extremely challenging and second why bother, though? why bother to get your head spinning around just to think of the past? I didn't know... it was just came to me everytime when i try to vanish it. From thereon, i learned that - do not mess with someone especially when it involves with emotion. Because when someone gets hurt, it will change someone's life completely. After what happened, it won't bring back the happiness in total, like it used to be. It is sad, huh?!

In the past almost dozen years, i witnessed some people just in tend to so easy hurting and blaming other people for something that small matters. I don't know why is this happened? I am not saying that i am an angel who doesn't have sins at all but i try to be a better person. I don't know why is that some people who doesn't know how to play guitar at all, then they just play it and they seem ignoring people around them who couldn't bear the twanging anymore. And they keep on playing... ? It is pitiful, huh?!

I am not nagging type person, play discreet it doesn't mean i agree. Answering back to all the words that being blown to me is also not my type. Giving in...? Yes, i am this type. Giving in for something that i believe will take me to another step close to heaven. And still it doesn't mean that i am the loser. Giving in for someone we love so much, it is big sacrifice and again i believe we have nothing to lose by doing this. No point arguing..., the bickering thing has to stop! To stop everything, we have to give in.

Just because to see the happiness keep on showering in our life, FORGET the past!

... forgive them, and forget everything the bad things they did to you. Although it is unforgettable, it is difficult, that's the test. Do more good things in your life, let your past full with good deeds. So it won't haunt you back in the future.

-::- It was 365 days past... -::-

.... and i step into 2010, and still i have 365 more days to treasure. Thank you Allah. Time really moves so fast. I started to feel the same feeling that i have had before - my age is getting lesser! Oooooo....

When i look in the mirror, my eyes are rolling for any fine lines/wrinkles or freckles, you know...common signs for ageing. Mmmm... ada la sikit. Yes... I am getting older and older and olderrrr...! But i don't care much about this, because everyone in the world will face this phase of life including Aishwarya Rai one of the most beautiful women on earth. Hahahaha tak senonoh betul ada ke compare dengan Miss World! Suka hati lah!!

New year resolution? Thinking it was something common that people will ask. Do i have one? Never thought i have one before except - always want to be a better person than yesterday, should have changed this to - year. Actually i have just set one resolution for the new year >> is... to .. to.. to (why am i stuttering?) to... to .. reduce the fine lines, freckles or any ageing signs to make myself comfortable of myself. But how?

Thinking of Botox... (woopsss...just kidding) actually i was enthralled by this Shu Uemura pytho cream..what a name! I heard they are good for fine lines on lips and eye area. Whatever! Maybe i should grab one later. Or maybe i should browse more for something else to ge the best choice. I don't wanna be like another futile stuff that i had in my drawer at home. What a waste!

2009 actually another stellar year for me and family. One of those, of course I got Lydia. She is 6 months old now. She's now always smiling, laughing, shouting andddd ... cryyyy-ing. Her voice is so soft and sweet. I love you my little pumpkin! And i hope for 2010, my life will be blessed by ALLAH each second, Amin.

Zafran? He is learning to talk and trying to understand every single word i say. This is another very insteresting part in children development. I still remember one day when i tried to teach him simple things. When i said Meja (table), he said - Duga. When i said Kerusi (chair), he said - Dugu. Air (water), he said - Tati. Burung (bird), he said - Kaka (Kaka soccer player tu ke Zafrannn..?) It was really funny. And one day, out of nowhere, he went to the bathroom, said - Mandi. Finally he got it right. Good boy, love you darling!

Back to the resolution things, (i feel incredulously myself that i have this kinda...!) what should i call this kinda resolution? Some kind of nonchalance, i guess. Better don't have one, much better! I remember Muazzam used to say 'you cannot get rid of something ... fact! No one can run from getting old. That was certainly true, i conceded. No matter how much phyto cream you put on face, botox, collagen and whatsoever, the fact is no one can escape from old age. Sigh...i already imagined an old lady with her broom mumbling alone... hehehe

Unblinking stare at my laptop screen, goshh i know i have no idea what to write at this moment. My fingers started to press down the keyboard quickly to find the best anti ageing cream infos for (what a stupid resolution i have this year!!). Ok, the gibberish thing has to stop now before they are getting bad.

... and i understand deeply a tranquil smile from Zafran, it means - time to stop rambling mommy!

:: Am I climbing on the bandwagon? ::

I was sitting in my room with frustrated tears wetting on my cheek. First time feeling like a recluse for a moment in my life. I can't believe that happened. And too bad i can't do anything! I just can't. I was stunned, petrified... just like a stupid stubble over there! I am sorry for letting you through everything alone that time, i am so sorry.. so sorry because i was too scared.

Being in idyllic life for years, i thank you ALLAH for that...Amin. And i do hope i will live in this kinda life for another 100 years (masih adakah aku lagi?). I am saying this when i saw something that totally vice versa. Some people is lucky to have such an idyllic days in life, some may be not. When i am happy, i forgot there is someone unhappy. There is someone who suffered for years just to see the loved ones live the life without turmoil.

I started to question myself again and again. Was this sacrifice? Can we call this sacrifice? A noble sacrifice might be? Or is this a person with nobleness heart who willingly let themselves get hurt so bad for the sake of other people? Or maybe something like self-abuse? Why i call self-abuse - because some people simply don't know what they want for themselves. Sometimes they say they have to sacrifice for someone else until they get severe suffered, tortured... and too bad they still don't realize it. They run the life for someone else...for someone who they love so much! Is this fair? I am not a bevy of watching people who enjoy to see something like this happen in front of my two eyes. And right... it is so hard to rummage boxes of someone's heart and feeling. Only He knows everything.

I couldn't stand to see something atrocious being a king to something so weak. I loathe this happen but who am i to stop it? And i loathe a person with manipulative behaviour who tries to use that skill on a person who has blurry way out. I really dislike a selfish person who tries to persuade a person who completely mind deadlocked. There was a thing i found difficult about what i saw, it was the person itself, i mean the victim. They may be confused, deeply ashamed or not prepared for the consequences if they fight back or may be they are afraid. Somebody needs to give their hands to this person (victim). Help them to mitigate their fear which like a big stone on their head. But if we have the guts, we find everything difficult become so easy. This is what i feel and really want to do it for someone that i really love so much. Fear no more, let's face this with brave heart, strong arm. Be it a loser or bandwagon... the most important thing is we fight for justice!

Salam Maal Hijrah to all friends!

:: I always imagined... ::

Last time I always imagined one day i would be a violinist, sitting on a chair on a stage with a very exquisite red gown, playing the violin with one of my very favourite evergreen song - Love Story by Andy Williams. And then... of course the audience gives me standing ovation for the the brilliant show. It must be great if i really have a chance to play that magical instrument. It has so calm and smooth sound to my ears. Fuhh... it was just a dream, besides who would have guessed a person like me turned out to be someone like that? But i like it... berangan je kerja aku!

I almost taken the violin class back then but time did not allow me to do so. Well i have to vanish the insanity because i think i have many more important things to do. And after i have Zafran and Lydia in my life... then i started to realize something is more necessarily to do other than anything in whole life. But then the imagination about the violinist things still glued in my mind... heyyy nothing is wrong with that, isn't? Nothing can shatter my dreams...

Years passing by..., i thought i have blanketed all the day dreams with my routine activities at home, unfortunately it still stuck in my head but the precentage a bit decreased. When i look at Joshua Bell, Vanessa Mae, fuhh..they are great. And then i always imagined one day i would be sitting in row with them playing the violin (sure lari tempo and disebabkan aku, konsert depa kena baling telur tembelang)

And then, it's not end there, after being successful violinist for years (berangan lagi), i always imagined that one day i would be a writer. I love romantic books so much! I may not be a person who experienced a lot of love chapters in my life but i can guarantee that my words can melt people and they unsconciously weeping only to see the hardcover of my books (we want more story! we want more story!! please don't quit, we want more!!) hahahaha.. see.. the eagerness? I am not trying to gloat on myself... but don't you see it?

Am i having a brain damage here? or something wrong with my nerve? Having a disfunctional brain sometimes it helps lower your blood pressure and calm your mind! (i am laughing like a vampire!) Am i right or am i right..? And my heart whispered; Salah tu, nak tenangkan fikiran pergi baca Al Quran, solat... (obviously i am wrong)

Zafran is sitting on the couch, his gaze darting at my face i guess..but i pretend i don't notice it at all. I think i know what he has on his mind (he must be thinking - my mom is typing some rambles againn... ) I am so good in translation! Well.. i got it son. A bit quandary inside when i see his face like that.. and i started to think (Should i spend half an hour on this square flat screen and let him alone there?) Without chagrin, i continue rambling... (hehehee) Sorry darling, i just couldn't stop my fingers...see they just dancing softly on the keyboard...how to stop it? Helppp...

Where is Lydia by the way? Oohh.. She is tightly sleeping in the cradle (alhamdulillah hehehe).

While typing this, my ear drums g0t strike by million words from the lips of my 'lonely' prince. He asks me so many questions which i don't know what the questions are (zafran with world languages). As usual my answer ...in a lazy drawl (in a lazy drawl when the question reach the max numbers) : Ye ke? O Macam tu yee... brilliant anak mama ni...! Zafran boleh tak simpan semua soalan tu untuk esok pulak? Hehehehe

Ok back to where 'i always imagined'.... Wait a minute... do i hear a song called Killing Me Softly With His Song...? Yes you do. This is one of my favourite song... i wish i can play this song with my invisible violin.

I heard he sang a song

I heard he had a style

And so i came to see him and listen for a while

And there he was a young boy, stranger to my eyes

Strumming my pain with his fingers

Singing my life with his words

Killing me softly with this song, killing me softly with his words

Telling my whole life with his words

Killing me softly with his words....

Okeyy enough rambling for today!

:: When something is unforgiven... ::

.... that is wrong. We forgive and forget... this is right, true. But it's difficult thing to do. I have been thru this situation before. 'You're forgiven!' whereas inside, only He knows what is actually you feel. When something bad happens in our life, it hurts you badly and it leaves big scar inside... and things that hurt you, it's like it stuck in your brain 24/7. How could we call it - it's forgiven! Maybe thru your lips, it's forgiven but how about your heart? Does your mouth and heart braces together?

I am not Canon - delighting you always!

Sometimes i have right to feel hurt. I am kinda person who loves to see people around me happy for what i am doing. Delighting people around me everytime when they are with me. But like i said, I am not Canon. I treat people around me the best i could and until i almost forgot something... : Sometimes, no matter how best you treat someone, they will never treat you back the same way. I agree. Regardless you best friends, siblings...

It's hard to know what's inside you... Your mouth say "I forgive you", what does the heart says? Everytime when we see the faces who hurt you, then your mind rewinding the past, the past that hurt you so bad. Can we say this forgiveness? When we forgive someone, but then the relationship will not be the same like before. Again.. can we call this forgiveness?

Some people is easy to say "well..just forgive him and forget what he did to you.." Look... I am the one who gets hurt, not you. So is easy for you to say 'forgive and forget'. Hopefully, when the time comes, thing will change for better... better than days that passed by... insyaALLAH. I can't promise when it will be... because i am just a normal person who sometimes makes mistake.

Different people, different heart. So we should not expect the forgiveness comes in short time. Same goes to the wound, don't expect it will recover in short period. The wound is still bleeding! Seems like it was yesterday it happened.....

Ooopss... today Sept 30, Happy Birthday Dear...love you till the end!

:: Until it's gone... ::

Aku rindu giler dekat arwah mak dengan abah. How i wish i could turn back time, where my parents are here with me. Abah..mak it's Ramadhan now, it is 3rd time Ramadhan without you and i feel missing..lacking of something.... And when Syawal comes, i don't know what to say, lagi laa...now i can feel the emptiness is slowly approaching me. Since you'd gone, i'm not really in the mood celebrating raya like i used to be.

Yesterday i met abah's close friend, Pakcik Osman. I shed a tear when he approached me with smile. Automatically i pictured abah's smiley face. Ya ALLAH! Rindunya aku pada abah, pada mak...

It gives me pause when everytime the tv shows Raya's ad. Suddenly it drags me deep into raya memories with abah and mak. Abah dengan mak orang yang paling semangat sekali sambut raya. Early raya morning, surely kepoh. Abah memang kepochi...And i laughed alone... but then i cried alone when actually all of it was just a past! Passing the days without you, something hard actually... but i just ignore the sorrow, i just don't wanna think about it so much. Seeing the sad soul inside me, only He knows how bad it is. And again i have to move on, at least i still have the loved ones around me..

There are times where i really can't throw away the sadness in my life. It's normal i guess..for a regular person like me. The biggest sadness for me when i lost both of them. It has been past two and half years, and yet it's still. They are always on mind from the time i wake up and till i close my eyes at night and sometimes i see them in my dreams. You don't know how you miss something until it's gone... it's true. Ya ALLAH...gimme strength to face Your test.

.... and you don't know how you miss someone so badly until they are gone...forever...and never come back. How many times in our life we just realized something that eminently important to us and then suddenly they just dissappear in just the blink of eyes? Something that we won't get it back no matter what we do. After they are gone, then we realized how much we miss them. When they are right in front of our eyes, we have never thought of losing them. We only thought of having them forever besides us. And there never seems to be enough time to do the things that i want to do with them before, after they're gone, suddenly i feel i have so much time to spend with them. This is what i feel right now, at this moment. I wish i could keep all the time in a bottle like what Jim Croce said in his song. There were smiles, there were laughs, there were tears and all those remain. Needless to say when the sadness pounces, it's unimaginable. Hanya DIA yang tahu... On a recent weekend, i went to bazar Ramadhan. When i looked at the 'ayam golek', again teringat dekat abah. Abah suka sangat ayam golek. Tengok kuih muih traditional teringat dekat mak, itu semua mak punya favourite. Sedihnya...

I know, everthing that happens in our life, happens for a reason. And everything that happened in my life, it was a test to measure my patience and faith and it changed my life in many important ways. ALLAH yang menentukan segalanya, kita sebagai hamba-Nya yang hina dan mengaku beriman kepada-Nya, seharusnya redha dengan ujian-Nya.

Al Fatihah untuk abah dan mak. Salam Aidilfitri to all muslims out there...

:: Incredible Journey ::

It was very daunting that early morning on June 27 at 3.30am and there was something wrong with my pregnancy. There was a leakage but i did not feel any contractions. At the hospital, i was lying on bed for hours frantically throughout the morning until the doctor decided to perform c section at 10.30am. My baby girl was born one month earlier. I supposed to be delivered on July 27 but anyway alhamdulillah everything went well. The doctor said to me 'Your baby is smart, she decides for you' Hahahahahahaha smart sungguh!

First week it was really tough moment taking care of premature baby. Luckily my mom in law was here, so she helped me a lot. If not i don't know what to say or do... and again, maybe i must be nibbling at my fingernails with a huge question mark on my head thou 'HOW DO I DO THIS?? SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'

Hai...belum apa2 aku dah kelam kabut tahap transformers, itu baru dua beb! Arwah mak dulu 5 orang...termasuk aku yg berperangai... makk..i miss you mak... I just can't emulating you mak! I can't be like you...a supermom. At this time i really need you badly by my side.

Zafran? Well, I could tell by his well fed belly that he is not foodless. Why i said so? Because everytime when i breastfeed Lydia, he's next! Aku redha je la.

I conceded that being a mother is not easy. Maybe you can make it sounds so easy but the truth is only a mother can feel it. Fuhh... i can feel it now. When i see Zafran, i realise how time really flies. He's 2 years old now and yet i have another little person in my house that need to be given something similar to what i have been given to Zafran. I believe this gonna be an incredible journey that i will ever take in life.

Zafran, Lydia - be good k because mama don't wanna be Incredible Hulk!

:: Between BUDGET & Being CALCULATIVE ::

So longggggg... i did not pop up in my blog. There are many reasons why. Do i need to list it down here? Ok la, i list a few of them;

1. I was really in bad 'whole day sickness' for 4 months early this year

2. Getting OK from the sickness, but i was so damn allergic to the 'electronic devices'

3. Busy with Mr. Iman Mishary Zafran

4. Etc, etc, etc....

Well... i am beginning to scratch my 'un-itchy head' when i look at the title. There is something i wanna share here but lookk... where do i start mann? I thought it's easy like telling the audience about the power of Spiderman, Batman or Superman. But this one, suddenly i become speechless. Maybe the incident still haunted me until now...shoot..how do i get this stupid thing out from my head??

Ok I give example about one mega project 'in the progress' and of course when we talk about project there must be a budget, the stages: appraisal, planning and execution and so on bla bla bla and bla. But certain 'superhero' doesn't know about the definition of the word BUDGET. Poor they, don't they? Wanna be a superhero...? Oohhh please mannn...don't be a 'Plastic' Man! Surprisingly, they are from a group of people who holds degree, master or even higher education level! After what happened, it taught me something. It doesn't mean you have great piece of paper, YOU ARE BRILLIANT in everything! Sometimes you are even worse than a tooottt...(Sorry the word that i wanna say here has been 'filtered' by Lembaga Penapisan Negara!)

When we talk about budget, there some eyeless people snarl at you suddenly and start to label you 'being calculative' just because you care about the project that being budgeted. Budget and being calculative are totally such different things. Budget is budget... bodoh betul! There is no such way the word 'top up' or 'installment' words should be came out after the project completed. Bila aku kata bodoh, nanti ada yang melenting, berguling2 atas lantai tak mengaku yang diri tu bodoh. I wonder what kinda Master they are in? Master in Moron or what??!! Bingo! At some point - i know nobody is perfect although they have perfect education background. It's all about attitude. I also imperfect but i know how to differentiate what is right, what is wrong. For example, snarling at people in front of other people, it's obviously a bad attitude and wrong.

Attitude is the most essential element in human being, that makes you look different from other people, no matter if you have degree or not. If you have degree, master and comes with a good attitude, it would be a first class ticket for you. But if you are not from this group, better jadi macam aku je la, finished my high school, continued study in diploma but failed one paper and straightly discontinued the study... at least i know how to respect people and at least i never snap people!

I just don't know why... there is somebody who loves to put somebody's life in a mess. After he did it, he felt that he's great or what so ever. But i hope this kinda people have a little regret in his life after what he did, if not, i think that people is over qualified to be called - The Most Pyscho Abnormal Creature In The World. Sesuka hati aku menggelarkan orang... Ya ALLAH ampunkan aku!

To those who had experienced this kind of situation before, just be patient, although you feel bad inside, you stay cool on a chair with vermillion eyes that of courseee..can't cover your enragement, but you still can control it, i respect you la babe! It's not easy mann... To those who had made somebody's life completely miserable, I would love to say - Bravo! Do it again... maybe one day there is a big reflection reflects to you back! What goes around comes around. And i think no matter how bad you disagree about others opinion or style of handling things, you don't have to snap them out of sudden, in a crowd some more.... eeeee... how could that happened huh?!!

I know if you read my writing this time, some people must be thinking that, there is a bit cloudy here. I also blurrr mahhh... Just consider this a nonsense that comes out from someone who is in bad 'morning sickness'. But i won't talk at length about it anymore, because the more i talk, the more'bad words' would come out from my mouth hehehehehehee... biasa la orang tengah marah ni....! No offend to those who had degree or master or phd - is not all of you like what i have imagined up there. I am just talking about the minority. Ya ampun pak!

Not wanting to miss the fact; be like Bill Gates, one of Ceo without college degree - he dropped out of Harvard, or maybe Michael Dell, the Founder, Chairman and Ceo of Dell - he did not finish his study at Uni of Texas or maybe Richard Branson, another Ceo of Virgin Group with no college degree.... The fact is they don't have college degree but they are brilliant and of course they are the people who CAN talk about 'top up' because they own million bucks in their pocket!

:: Principle Vs Right = I Am Not A Robot ::

Life principle.. I believe everybody has it. Me included. I don't wanna talk at length about the definition of the words. I hoisted my deep deep breath before i begin to ramble on this subject. (Hahahahhaa macam bagus!)

(Please take note, due to safety reason, the principles cannot be revealed by the blogger - lol)

Recently, that was the first time i felt i have lost in my own thought. For many years i have lived in my principles. I have made lines in my life and i have lived between the lines for years. I taught myself not to cross the lines, BUT I FAILED. Maybe because i am an ordinary person, maybe because i am just a human being, or maybe my 'patience' ozone layer has reduced day by day. So i made mistake. It wasn't a huge mistake, it was just, i have put anti-wrinkle cream on the lines... so the lines slowly dissappeared. How do i say this? Ummhhh... the mistake i did, it was something to do with my principles but nothing to do with other people. But other people who forces me to break the principles. Who to blame? Blame it to me, blame it to other people or maybe blame it on the rain who makes my clothes wet!

Again, i don't wanna elaborate on what was happened to me recently.... all i can say - it was really burst my principle and my rage exploded enormously and by sudden i became defence-less person. I realized i can't work with my own principle anymore. I just can't do anything in defence of my own principle, which i built myself! Now i see... Principles are also meant to be broken.

All this while, life principle is like a self-defence mechanism to protect myself from over-reacting to something unpleasant me. And that day..... the defence mechanism was suddenly damaged. They can't protect me anymore. Ok enough ramblings on the 'defence word'. Now i realized i started to use zillion 'defence' word. Defence..defence...Ahakkk...

Principle and Right. These two words works together. They have connection. Why i said so? Because i said so. If Nokia - connecting people, these two words connecting each other perfectly.

Well, i guess i have right not to follow my own principles anymore. Don't you think so? Yeahh.. I think so! After the incident, i always think 'AM I IN THE RIGHT SIDE? AM I? AM I? AM I? Maybe Yes, or maybe No. Things get complicated now. Do I make things arround me complicated? Yes. No actually, no...i am not. I am just doing some what we call a self-defence. After what happened, I have right to feel hurt, i have right to feel sad, i have right to feel angry, i have right to feel dissappointed, it's all a matter of - RIGHT. Because i am a human being, i have right to feel all those emotions damn it! Kali ni aku betul-betul emo!!

Again, I am a defence-less person. Human is weak by nature (which i thought MAN is weak by nature in the first place hahahhaa). That's all i can tell. I am not a robot or machine who doesn't feel anything, do as told, and when the time comes, people will switch off the button so i just stay where people need me to stay. Muazzam? He's so seemed to be 'unaffected' by the incident. He's cool, i know he's that type of person. Thanks for always standing by me dear... you are a super hero of my time babe! Remember the Superman tshirt i bought for you...it was expensive you know and now it's really worth it.

Sometimes is easy for us to advise others to do good things. Example: "When people do bad things to you, you shouldn't do bad things to them back. Be patient, although the thing they did to you caused a major disaster in your life, be patient". This is what i always defence of. I remember old saying says, patience - there is a limit. Yes...there is a limit, i admit. When there is something guzzling your patience frequently...there you feel tested. When you get tested for million times, you get bored. I am weak, this time damnnn weak! I can't toughly hold my shield this time, because i am neither Xena the warrior nor a robot.

Ok, before i kungfu dunk my laptop into pieces, better i pen off here. Ooo la la...

- since that there is no update for Zafran this time, i can see his feet up there...is more than enough. love you baby!

:: Syawal, again...It Goes Away... ::

Sepasang Kurung Biru

Tiada salam atau ucapan

Tiada pesan tanda ingatan

Suasana penuh keriangan

Ku teringat pada seseorang

oh...

Di hari yang berbahgia ini

Hatiku kosong dan sepi sekali

Betapa manis kenangi lalu

Menyambut raya bersama denganku

oh...

Tiada bisikan lembut yang ku dengar

Hanya suara azan sayup bergema

Masih kurasakan hangat tanganmu

Di pagi raya bersalam dengan ku

Tetamu datang tetamu pergi

Namun tak tiba orang ku nanti

Hanya sepasang kurung nan biru

Menjadi teman mengubat rindu ku

oh...

Syawal is leaving us again. I remember last raya with abah, he was wearing sepasang baju melayu biru and mak with baju kurung warna purple (i bought it). Dalam hati bangga giler bila tengok mak pakai baju tu. The song i paste up there, one of my favourite raya song. When i heard this song aired on tv last few weeks, i was so touched. Maybe because of the lyrics mentioned about 'baju kurung biru' i guess.. Raya without abah and mak, it was totally different situation and the ambience..it seemed quite 'ada kureng sikit'. I still can't wipe out the sadness... I miss my mom's rendang, nasi hujan panas, ayam goreng sambal.... a lot! Di manakan kucari ganti? I also can make rendang, but the taste isn't the same like my mom. Air tangan mak agaknya...

Talking about my feeling this raya, exactly like 'mix vege' or maybe even scrumptious like 'mix fruits cake'. I was so happy when i looked at Zafran with his baju melayu, so cute! He just really enjoyed the excitement. As usual we didn't go for theme color...rojak ayam habis! Muazzam with dark brown short sleeves and i was with baju kurung, orange color lagi tu...! Hahahahaha macam limau sunkist ke apa!

Muazzam he looks gorgeous with a new hair cut (although i disagree..i object! I frowned and shake my head 10 times - indicated refusal of the new cut) hehehehe, no worry dude.. hair grows anyway! You look gorgeous, but don't you know that you look even more gorgeous, handsome, macho with your long hair cut thou...? Time raya semua mesti nampak baru kan, rambut pun kena baru beb!

Many plans had called off last minute during raya this time. I don't want to do fairy tale story here. To Is and Ina, alhamdulillah you guys have touched down Spain safely, amin. Have a good life there! Look forward to seeing your pictures in the blog as promised dude! Btw, two pictures up there, it was last raya picha with abah and mak. How would i know it was the last...if i only knew, of course there would be million snaps...

Al Fatihah untuk abah dan mak.

Salam aidilfitri to all muslimin and muslimat, maaf zahir & batin!

:: Salam Ramadhan... ::

Last two days, it was my birthday. Don't ask yang ke berapa, got it?!! Can't stand the wishes, it reminds me that my age is catching up. Tapi aku tetap rasa diri aku muda...muahahahaha (something that i hate to do, but i have to confess). Muazzam is always the first person wishing me HAPPY BIRTHDAY, but this time it was a bit late thou...not as usual. It's ok, i know...remember those numbers, 3285? Muahahahhahaha

Second year without my mom wishing me over the phone, i was feeling a bit awkward. Normally she called me in the morning and wished me. I know i was raised in the situation where i have never had a birthday celebration. It was taught like that. But i just didn't care, the most important thing, i was happy that time. I remember my mother cooked my favourite dishes on my birthday. Mak, i really miss you... rindu giler!

Where are you Zafran? Owhhh there you are... playing with hanger! Pak Itam gave you musical robot..can walk some more, Auntie Mar gave you musical train, then you are playing with hanger?! Bagus... Never mind lah! As long as you are happy, i am happy dear.. main hanger ok lagi, jangan angkat almari sudah! Ok la let momma do some doodling down here okey...keep on playing those hangers ok baby...

Ramadhan is knocking our door again, alhamdulillah i still have chance to be in this noble month again. First year, tak terasa sangat, but second year (this year) i can feel the lost and the lonesome. I have only fleeting memories of my parents....again! It's like this Ramadhan becomes the repository of all my sweet memories with them. I remember how busy my mother cooking some fav's dishes. And then she will call us telling that the dishes are on the way. Abah pulak, as usual mesti pergi bazar Ramadhan. I remember the last Ramadhan with abah, he bought us ayam golek. Ayam golek always his fav. Bila tengok ayam golek, my mind triggered immediately to his face, his sweet humble smile. I can't forget those! Sedihnya... Sometimes i was thinking that maybe one day all the sadness will be petered out, but i guess it won't. It is still there, always there... Al Fatihah untuk mak dan abah...

Sad news. My close friend's mother had passed away on my birthday. I just received his email. To Bro; be strong. I know how you feel right now. AL FATIHAH to your mom and semoga rohnya ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang beriman serta dicucuri rahmat oleh ALLAH SWT. Amin.

I glanced over at Zafran. He looked straight to my face and made funny face and then he laughed out loud. Memang kelakar! Sort of sneering his mom or what?!

Ok la, Salam Ramadhan to all of you out there!

:: En el mes de agosto, bizi y especial ::

August is a busy month for me. Not only the athletes in Olympic are busy... but i am busy with Weddinglympic ok! Can i say this....weddinglympic?!! Muahahaha My job as a ’wedding planner’ for the wedding gifts preparation quite a challenge task thou.. It was a hard work, but i didn’t mind doing it again and again. Anyway, alhamdulillah Muazzam’s cousin seemed to love the result so much! Cantik siot...hahahahaha aku sendiri angkat bakul. The theme color was brown, always my fav color. On top of that, I have wedding invitation 3 weeks in row, o myyy.... 2 attended, 1 more to go this weekend. And then we will be heading up to Malacca to celebrate Muazzam’s cousin whom will be departed for Spain after Hari Raya. Tengo la camisa negra hoy mi amor esta de luto, hoy tengo en el alma uno pena....y es por culpa de tu embrujo... yeehahahahaha don’t get headache thou, it is just a spanish song lyric belongs to spanish singer, JUANES. I love his songs and his macho look of course... and that's why a lot of spanish words in my blogging this time! Es una locura!

Zafran? He seems OK with all those travelling things. Memang menurun habis perangai aku, suka berjalan. While blogging this, he is perching on the yellow pillow. So cute! I see Zafran a big boy now. It is such a miracle watching him grow by my two eyes and seeing all the changes he goes through day by day. Alhamdulillah, Thank you ALLAH. Right now, i am trying to do ’family-bonding things’ with him. Now, he’s laughing at me. And i laughed back at him...(i didn’t know the root cause of the laughing)

Back to travelling things, well.. travelling is always something i love to do, but i couldn’t stand a stack high dirty laundry after coming back from the travel. How i wish i could have cyborgs to do all those house work, instead of my own two magic hands! Expecto patronummm...wooishhhhhhhh......

Besides the busy month, August is also a special month for me. Actually today is my father’s birthday. I started to remember a lot of things about him. I remember one day i went to his house and wished him happy birthday. Then suddenly he asked me back with his puzzled face ”hari ni berapa haribulan? Hari jadi abah ke hari ni?” Just imagine he didn’t remember his own birthday! At this moment i really miss him so much...Hanya ALLAH saja yang tahu betapa aku rindu pada abah. Happy Birthday abah!. Last time i always asked him ”Abah nak apa hadiah birthday?” And now, no need to ask him anymore....Al Fatihah hadiah untuk abah... orang akan hadiahkan sebanyak mungkin Al Fatihah untuk abah... same goes to mak...

And then yesterday was my brother’s birthday. He has something in common with my abah, his voice over the phone sounds so exactly like abah. Sometimes i just feel like dialing him, just to hear his voice. At least rindu terhadap abah terubat bila dengar suara dia. Happy Birthday Bro! Semoga dimurahkan rezeki oleh ALLAH SWT.

Another special day will be on 31st of August. Qué tiene de especial el 31 de agosto? because it is our Merdeka Day. Merdeka!!! Dah 51 tahun kita merdeka, Alhamdulillah... Thank you ALLAH.

(En el mes de agosto, bizi y especial -- In the month of august, busy and special!) The rest, you can find the meaning in free online spanish dictionary......by yourself! ahak..

:: 365 Days With You, 3285 Days With You ::

I just can’t believe it! Three hundred and sixty five days I have him in my life… phewwww….time really flies and he makes each day count! Really count dude.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR… I love you boy!

I was sipping a cup of milo while my eyes at the tv screen as usual and Zafran…he was playing with ‘mega bloks’. Then I joined him. I built a house, he destroyed. I built again, he destroyed again. Then I built again, he destroyed again with glee. Amboiiiiii…..banyak cantekkk! Ok, enough, mommy is tired! He just grinned away as if he understood what I have babbled. A minute later, he tapped me on the arm, he stared me in the eyes, I was really mesmerised by his innocence look. Knowing it would be no more ‘mega bloks’ builder, he suddenly cried. Apa lagi nak susu la tu!

365 days with you baby…. I see pure love, I see blossoming and growing, I see you laughing and smiling, which is like an endless happy time. No more loneliness, no more sadness, no more pain, no more outing with friends (boleh gitu?nyelit tiba2). Just kidding! Mommy is willingly to sacrifice anything... as long as --- I GOT YOU BABE!

Ahaa…I did calculate something roughly – three hundred sixty five days times with 9 years, equal to…. O myyy… it’s unbelievable! THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY FIVE DAYS I have been together with my ‘tough-looking man’ …phewwww… how I realized that life has really speeded up, and it’s turning me all into a ‘grow up’ person. (Apa baru sedarkah aku?!)


3285 days with you honey…. It was beautiful days. I feel blessed every single day! (By the way the word ‘tough-looking man’, don’t get too much thinking on it! Hahahahaha)

:: Spice, Orange and Vanilla ::

I am so excited because Zafran is going to be 1 year old next month. Alhamdulillah…thank you ALLAH for giving me a chance to take care of this precious 'gift'. He is now standing against the couch, holding onto furniture and sometimes he’s tottering. Actually he has mastered standing solo, sometimes he’s stooping and looks like he’s slowly leaving his babyhood behind. He’s not yet walking well, I think he’s trying to gain confidence and balance. He also knows how to bounce himself whenever he is on the bed. It’s really kinda miracle experience when I have to watch by myself, the steps, the movements.. how it develops...wow...

At this point, he is also speaking a foreign language. I love when he said ‘ahbuhji’ (father),’buweyo’ (what?!),’bwah’(why?! i guess) repeatedly…didn’t he speak Korean?? Since that he is at receptive stage, I try to teach him how to say ‘uhmuhni’ (mother). Baru la fair and square kan! Muazzam said Zafran speaks Korean because there is 'somebody' at home 'psyhco' with Korean Drama. I know who is that 'somebody'!

Life is so much happiness when I hear his voice reverberates in my house. Andddd...life is so much 'happiness' when he started to rummage everything in front of him without hesitant. I am very fascinated, indeed (ikhlas aku cakap!)

When i see Zafran, all my some unhappiness past turned off, the time when i was feeling frazzled, suddenly i become so energetic, so fresh when he smiles at me. He really spices up my day, colors my life with orange and splashes my world with vanilla scent! What a perfect mixture i have!

:: Yesterday ::

Seems like it was yesterday when i saw his calm face,

Seems like it was yesterday when i saw his smile,

Seems like it was yesterday when i felt his touch,

Seems like it was yesterday when i touched his hand,

Seems like it was yesterday when i heard his voice,

Yesterday.... he gave me joy,

Yesterday.... he gave me hope,

Yesterday.... he gave me loves,

Yesterday....he left me forever and

Today.... i can still feel the loves, every second in my life, i feel it...and

Today....he lives on in my heart and mind...

Abah, i really miss you....

15 June means a lot to anyone with a name - FATHER, to those who has a father....think of celebration? Well, of course...that was what i used to be. Yesterday i saw a blue shirt hanging in my closet, that blue shirt belong to my father, it was there in pristine condition. He loved that shirt so much. I remembered one day he wore it, he was beaming, then he asked me "How do i look?" then i always answered "Abah macam Datuk, macam Tan Sri". After that, I almost weeping, collapsed in tears when the memories kept on jabbing my mind. Ya Allah....please give me strength.

Happy Father's Day to all fathers in the world. Without you, we all nothing!

Al Fatihah untuk Abah dan Mak

:: Impeccable Diet ::

I was having a debate with Muazzam last weekend about diet. Together with us, of course Mr. Iman Mishary Zafran. I guess he's just being never ending frowned judges. Firstly we went to drive thru McD to get some munchies (some munchies?!! I wonder we call McD Mega Mac some munchies!! hahaha) Actually we didn't take our lunch yet....(uwhhh..alright, whateva)

I have ordered Spicy Chicken McDeluxe well Muazzam with his LE Mega Mac. I can sniffed out his yummilicious, scrumptious Mega Mac when he opened up the box but i pretended like i did not have binge on it at all. Inside... i was screaming like hell..at least he offered me a bite! And then... he offered me 'You wanna have a bite?' Offer came right after he wolfed down almost all of it. He left me a little tiny piece of that Limited Edition Mega Mac!! Well...tragically, i ate it.

Ok, back to the topic on diet, i just 'brained out' the theories that i browsed from the books, internet, mags about diet, how to curb our cravings, how to control our eating binge bla..bla..bla.. i have read a lot about it but i remember only some of it. For example to make sure you get good shape; eat before 7pm, some experts says don't eat after midnight, some says we should empty our stomach after 10pm and bla bla bla... Well, different experts different theories. As life speeds up, the craving is speeding even faster! Look at the foods now, Ooo myy... even donuts..they commercialized it and come with tasty topping until i got drooling!

Enough ramblings on diet theories plus Muazzam's theories some more...the he came out with one beautiful concept of diet, exquisite.... He told me "We can eat/drink anytime we want, moslem diet should take this as a guide

Firman Allah;

Makan dan minumlah, tapi jangan berlebihan (Surah Al Araf: 31) then he added

Sabda Nabi Muhammad SAW;

Makan ketika lapar, berhenti sebelum kenyang

If we follow this, InsyaALLAH we are going to be ok! Why not we follow this? Why we need to memorize and follow all that kapir punya diet!!"

Bingo! He is absolutely 100% right and i just got a 'twinge' on my head and face when i heard that. I have to admit i have slipped my mind about this beautiful diet, how could i! Ya ALLAH ampunilah hambaMu yang hina ini....

I would like to end my writings with these beautiful words below;

Sabda Rasulullah SAW, maksudnya;

Tidak ada tempat yang lebih buruk jika ia dipenuhi oleh anak Adam, iaitu perutnya. Cukuplah makan beberapa suap sahaja untuk menegakkan (menguatkan) tulang rusuknya. Walau bagaimanapun jika ingin makan banyak juga, janganlah melebihi, iaitu cukuplah dengan mengisi perut, sepertiga untuk makanan, sepertiga untuk air dan sepertiga lagi untuk nafas (udara)" (Riwayat Ahmad dan At Tirmizi)

:: The Burgeoning Of Mother's Love ::

Mother’s Day is just around the corner… this weekend. When I was at yahoo page, the ads on Mother’s Day were there. When I switched on tv, the ads were there too, it coloured the tv screen. With bouquet of pink roses, boxes of gift….. I just stared at those ads…with my eyes watered. And when I turned on the radio, I heard a song by Boyz 2 Men – Mama. Again my tears dropped.

Last weekend my mother in law came to my house. I gave her a set of tupperware as mother’s day gift. Although the special day will be on May 11, I don't want to wait, no more waiting, I really learnt a lot from the past.

I read back my previous post - HAPPY MOTHER’S AND FATHER’S DAY. I cried like a baby. When I wrote that, I still have my parents. Then I let myself diving into the sea, searching for treasures called MEMORIES. As a prevalence, I will always wish my mother over the phone. Then I will take her out for lunch or dinner and not to forget, get her a gift. How can I forget those sweet things….

I still remember one day when I was so stubborn and angry if my mother said NO to my request, then my mother said, “Please listen to me, this is for your own good. One day if you have children then you know how I feel, why i do this and that, you will know...”

And I still remember one day when I was slothful to help her to do housework, let my bedroom cluttered, then my mother will definitely nagging at me and i will definitely putting my long face and sitting over the couch and pretending like nothing happen. That was used to be my not so good things, and now those not so good thing becomes sweet thing, in fact that was the sweetest things ever happened in my life, i miss all those things mak...I miss your voice telling me not to do this and that, I miss your voice giving me advises.....

Now I know how my mother feels….indeed! I am a mother now. Even Zafran is still a baby, I can feel how uneasy being a mother….I can feel the sacrifices that my mom had made just to make sure we have a good life. I know you did the best for us! Until now i can't find someone or something that can replace your love, your touch....i can't mak...

The burgeoning of mother's love is boundless. It will keep on growing rapidly, unbounded. A mother - is the epitome of great love. I would like to wish HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE including myself!

Without you

I won't be able to see the world

Without you

I won't be able to step on the earth

Without you

I won't be able to see the star, the sun and the moon

Without you

I won't be what i am now

Without you

I won't be here to let out my feelings

It is all because of you!

AL FATIHAH untuk mak n abah.

:: Escapology Is Useless, Escapologist Is Meaningless ::

A friend of mine had passed away early this month. She had suffered with cancer. I was speechless the moment i got sms from my ex colleague telling me "Kak Rai had passed away, al fatihah". Again i was feeling like my head stubbed into something big..so hard... and it hurts.

Feeling a little bit spacey about this, maybe i was just carried away with the past where i lost my beloved parents. Actually myself is still not yet fully recovered. But again i would like to remind myself, it was a test for me, a huge test and i have to be strong. He knows that i can face it. ALLAHuakbar...

Life is like that... life is like waves... the happiness, the sadness, it comes in a second and it goes in a second too. Today we are so happy for what we have, then we go to sleep as usual, then we wake up, open up our eyes slowly and then the only thing we realize, the happiness is no longer with us, it was replaced with the sadness. The process will keep on circling, then the sadness... replaced by the happiness... it is a fair process...indeed! SubhanALLAH...

When i looked at my closet, my eyes was glued to an exquisite brown batik which i bought from Kak Rai. Then automatically my mind picturing her face. She was a nice person, rich sense of humour and friendly. I still remember how busy we were with our direct selling business. Although the business didn't work, now something popped up my mind.... at least i have memories with her. I remembered she went to my house, we were chatting, laughing... and now she's gone.....

As human being, our permanent destination will be the same. We will go to one place, eternal place, where we will be there eternally. Everyone of us! No one can't run or escape, although we have escapology or even being escapologist, it can't help us. So, let's not waste the 'little' time we have, fully utilize it with good things, doing noble things!

AL FATIHAH untuk Arwah Kak Rai.